Not my will, but your's be done.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Broken-hearted+Homesick=Not Good

It has been two weeks since I've seen Luke and Ray.  Two weeks.  We don't have a court date yet, and we haven't even been assigned a judge.  Who knows how much longer we are going to be here.  I have nothing to count down to, no idea when I am going to see L and R again, and I find those two things down right depressing.

I did really well with the homesickness for the kids for the first week.  Week number 2 has been off and on.  I'll have a rough day(or part of a day), and then I'll do really good for a few days.  Now it's like I've hit a wall.  I just want to hop on the next plane home.  Not knowing how much longer we are going to have to be here feels like too much for me to bear.

I'm tired of orphanages too.  The orphanages are even more depressing than missing Luke and Raylen.  The kids are all so awesome and cute.  Even the ones who aren't cute are cute.  When the little ones walk by us with their group, they stare and smile and wave.  They break their little necks craning their heads to see us as the nannies lead them away.  If they ever do have a chance to break away from the group, they run over to us yelling, "mama!" "papa!" and they are all smiles.  One day I was bringing Josslyn back to her groupa and there were no nannies in her room.  2 or 3 of the children had escaped the big playpen where they were supposed to be confined.  One spotted me and yelled, "mama!!"  They swarmed me like bees on honey.  Several more of them immediately scaled the playpen walls and ran over to me too.  I squatted down and they all crowded around me.  The ones who couldn't escape the play pen all gathered in the corner closest to me reaching their arms out towards me.  I as looked at them all, eye to eye, one little girl nudged her way up to the front of the group.  She smiled from ear to ear as she layed her head on my shoulder, while whispering, "mama".  She is precious.  Brown curly hair, chubby cheeks, and a beautiful sweet smile. 

As I left Josslyn's room, I was all warm and fuzzy at the sweet attention and affection that had been lavished on me.  But those warm fuzzies quickly turned to heartache when I realized that most likely only one or two of the children is Josslyn's groupa will ever know the love of a family.  The other 9 or 10 of them will spend the next 13 or so years in an orphanage of some sort, and then they will age out of the system when they turn 16.  90% of those sweet little faces will have to grow up and face the world on their own at 16 years old, with no family to love, support, and guide them.  They will be crippled for life by their orphan status.  It will be difficult for them to get a job or find housing(can't really get an apartment if you don't have a job, right?).  And that is IF they are "healthy".  If they have HIV, when they age out of the system at 16 there is really no hope for them.  They will NOT be able to get a job(doing anything legal, that is), they will not have access to the medication they need.  So the children turn in to prostitutes, drug users, and theives, just to survive.  Without their medication the disease runs rampant in their body. Sick children who are sharing needles and having promiscuous sex, contributes to both the spread of HIV and the birth of more babies who will end up as orphans in the system just like their parents.  It's all a bit overwhelming, isn't it?

Parker's orphanage doesn't make me feel any better.  The children there are older, but just as precious.  I wish I could share with you the sweet faces of the kids who we have had the opportunity to meet and talk with.  They are precious beyond words, and all so hungry for our attention and love.  The chances of any of them being adopted is even slimmer, because of their age.  I get such a thrill talking, playing, and spending time with them.  But that all comes down to such a crashing low when we leave and I have a chance to think about what their future.  So bleak.  It is no wonder that about 15% of orphans commit suicide within a year of aging out of the system.  Only the most tenacious will survive.

All of that is to say, that even if I had Luke and Ray here with me, I would still be having a very rough time emotionally.  Adoption itself is a deeply emotional process.  If you combine those emotions with the despair I am feeling about the lost children we will have to leave behind, it's a given that I am going to be a broken hearted mess regardless of whether or not I am missing my kids.  But I AM missing Luke and Ray severely, so that only adds to my despair.

I know I am opening myself  up to be verbally attacked, by admitting that I am homesick for my children at home.  I've seen it happen on the blogs of other adoptive families while they were in country for their adoption.  Lucky me that I gave up caring what others think a while back(It's kinda freeing.  You ought to try it some time if you haven't already.).  So, while I might get attacked for daring to admit that I am incredibly homesick for my kids at home; or that the adoption process is emotionally exhuasting; or that part of me seriously just wants to bust my 3 kiddos out of their orphanages and never look back, I'm admitting those things anyway.  Last night I got to a point where I realized that I cannot continue in my own strength.  God has been a source of strength since we have been here, but more like a crutch to lean on to help me along.  I am completely emotionally spent.  From here on out everything I do will be done by the Lord's strength, not my own.  I can't do this any more, but God can.  HE is the one who started this work in our family, and He will see it through to completion.  It will be for His glory. 


Jennifer said...

I don't think I've ever commented on your blog before but I began following your wonderful family a month or so before you left. You have a wonderful heart and it would be concerning for a momma to not miss her children at home, terribly. You are perfectly normal and in now way does missing your other two, make your love any less for the new precious blessings in your life. :) Hang in there! Your children are positively precious, all of them!

Anonymous said...

I was so homesick at this point as well and I had no children at home. Good news is once you get a court date things move faster and you don't feel the homesickness as much. This is truely a test of patience. Good luck and sending prayers for you to here the court date soon.
Pat Spencer

Denise said...

As I sat here reading your blog I cried and cried. It is great to get things off of your chest and I agree who cares what others think. Mike and I watch daily for your blogs. I got up this morning and before I could read it he had given me a little bit of the details. We will be praying for you,Josh,and all the kiddos and for a speedy court date and judge so you can get them out of there and back here. Love the Metcalfs

melanie said...

Oh sweetie. Tears ...

Praying for His peace and comfort to fall on you, and praying that VERY soon you will know your court date. Sending you big hugs across the miles, friend.

Shannon said...

Well I double-dog dare anybody to verbally attack you, b/c I will be on them like white on rice! ;P

My heart is heavy with yours, friend. I haven't even finished my dossier yet, and I already get a lump in my throat at the thought of leaving my girls when we travel. And I can only imagine how hard it is to actually interact with the other children at the orphanage, and then have to leave them behind.

You know we're praying so hard for you guys. God has a purpose in what you are doing there. I pray you can rest in Him... and we're also praying for things to go speedily and smoothly.


Tonya said...

Jessica - I am sure you are missing Luke and Ray A TON. That's because you are a great mama. I am sure the waiting kiddos in the orphanages are breaking your heart. That's because you're a great mama, too. Even though we've never met, I'm so thankful you've shared your story with me. Because of you and other great mamas, we're on our way. God willing, one more piece of paper, and we'll be headed to the same country to bring home two more of those sweet little faces. I'm praying for you and your kiddos. Hang in there. Your WHOLE family will be together soon.

Becky said...

Oh, girl. Broken-hearted for you. And for those precious ones who you've been able to touch while you're there. And for your two kiddos who are missing you just as much as you're missing them. This is part of the reason we're all so in love with you guys; you are being willing to ENDURE such heartbreak in order to love big. Huge hugs. I know Daddy's got you in His arms, but I sure would love to run over there and throw mine around you, too. (and maybe participate in a little orphanage-breaking-out action, too. )

barbistu said...

I am addicted to your blog. I have to read it everyday. You and Josh are in my prayers and all of your sweet babies! You are the strongest woman I know and God will see you through this. Phil 4-13. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.
Just keep that in your heart and before you know it you will be home with your whole family safe and sound.
I will kiss and hug the kids at church from you at church tomorrow.
Love and prayers from the Stuart family

Mom said...

You and Josh are probably the strongest young adult Christians I know. Jesus may have felt overwhelmed with all the needs He saw, yet He accomplished everything His Father had given him to do. You are doing all that God has called you to do. You aren't just making a difference in three lives, you are influencing others to do the same. And just your one-time encounter with the other orphans can change their lives and give them hope. God, too, has a special heart for orphans. He is using you and Josh, and everyone's prayers to change these orphan's plights. I pray for good news on the court date by today or tomorrow. We love you.

Mama said...

I know how homesick you are....and when we were adopting, we didn't have any kids home to miss. We missed crazy things (so in my book - you have more of a right to be homesick!) I also know the wonderful feeling of being needed by those precious children and then the crashing realization that they will more than likely spend their life without the love of a family. Thank you for being so honest and wording it so achingly beautiful!

Mel said...

Jessica- you have every right to be homesick, ummm, you're a MOM! Of course, having said that, you know that *I* know how you feel. I have been there, right there in fact, in that same orphanage, in that same visiting area, missing my other kids, missing things at home, familiarity, not really knowing when or what might happen. It's so frustrating, and hard. The only advice I have for you is hold on to Jesus. He is the only one that pulled me through those roughest days. I'm praying that you hear some good news about your court date soon. Give my love to Marina & Roman! :) HUGS to you my friend!!

Heather said...

Oh, Jess. Through tears, I am praying for you today. I just dropped your sweet daughter off with your mom, and as I hugged her goodbye, I started to tear up thinking about how much you would cherish her hug right now. You love your children with a mighty love that I haven't seen in many women, and I can only imagine how much you miss them.
And the stories about the orphans break my heart. WOW. This is emotionally exhausting experienceing through a blog...I cannot imagine living it.
I love you, Precious Friend, and am praying for God to hold you tight in His arms today. He will bless you for the work you are doing for His glory, and WILL give you the strength to complete the task he called you to do.
Hugs and prayers............

Emi said...

You are such a strong woman! May God continue to give you strength! I will be praying for you, I can imagine how much you miss your children at home, but I'm praying it won't be long until you have all your babies together!
I'm also praying for the kids in the orphanage, how devastating that must be, how I wish everyone of them would have a family to love them!

Jennifer said...

I sure hope nobody attacks you for missing Luke and Ray. I can't imagine being gone from my kids for that long. I know it's got to be hard on you. Plus seeing all the kids in the orphanage that want a mamma and papa so badly. Just know that you, Josh and the kids are in our prayers.

Shari79 said...

Jessica - I have been reading every day though not posting much...I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your honesty, and don't see how anyone can criticise you for that. I don't even know you and I can tell you are an amazing mama! Hang in there, before you know it your time in country will seem like a small blip on the radar of your life.

Ben and Melanie said...

We have not yet left and I cry and spend sleepless nights worrying about leaving my babies...AND what I am going to see. I will also be missing my oldest Babies High School Graduation and he is NOT happy with me :( ! God Bless you for rescuing not one, not two, but THREE beautiful souls...We are praying for you...and reading and watching your journey.

Leanne said...

Oh beautiful mama! *hugs* Hang in there! Hold on tight (to Him)! Please know you're in my (and any others!) prayers. Soon... you'll be home, with your entire blessed bunch.

Patty said...

Jessica, we are praying for you & Josh. God will continue to lift you up; He has already used you to influence countless people. I'm so moved by your journey that I think & talk about you guys constantly, especially to my kids, who wouldn't otherwise have an opportunity to witness anything like this. It's really been eye-opening for them. And although I know Luke & Ray do miss you too, they are also being blessed & enriched by seeing how God is working so powerfully through your family. All 6 of these kids will come though this changed forever for the better, because of you.

Me? said...

Praying 100 people are inspired by this entry to make the decision and move to adopt!

Thank you for writing, your family is an inspiration!


Annette said...


Hugs from SETX! Remeber that you are adopting 3 at once and it drags things out a bit, but you are changing so many more lives than just your 8. Your obedience to God's call for your family has reminded all of us that obeing is not always easy, but that the reward is heavenly! Can not wait to hug all these cuties. We are praying for a swift court date with a loving judge who just wants the best for your sweeties.

Laci said...

I'm praying you will be surrounded and filled with God's comfort and peace even in the midst of such heart breaking circumstances. Thank you for stepping out in faith to bring these precious three into your family. They will surely bless you beyond measure. And I have no doubt that you are being used mightily by God even now, to help bring other precious ones' into their own families.

Dobrovits Family said...

How could anyone judge a momma for missing her little ones at home?

I know I will feel EXACTLY the same way leaving 4 of my 6 at home when we travel!

God bless you! Love your blog, it is a great support to me!


cyndee_3 said...

Praying lots and lots for you. Thinking about the song "Held". I gave Ray extra hugs yesterday.

Love and miss you,

Yvette said...

You are loved and we are praying. We would wonder what was WRONG with you if you weren't missing your kiddos and if you weren't torn up by the thought of leaving others behind. Because, as someone else said, you are a great mom, and that is what great moms do. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. Even the hard parts. It is a journey that is changing all of us.

Hugs from Texas!


Kelly said...

If there are people who refuse to see the good that you are doing and focus only on the negative, then it is their loss. I hope that they can let light into their lives at some point to see how much of a waste of time it is to focus on the things they disagree with instead of focusing on what in their lives makes them unhappy.

Your family is doing a truly wonderful thing. When you think of all the pictures of Josslyn before you got there, and how unhappy she looked, it brings tears and praises to God to see how beautiful her smile is. The three are blessed to have you and I hope you feel blessed to have them.

Sending prayers of healing and contentment.

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