Not my will, but your's be done.

Monday, May 25, 2009

Thank You

In light of Memorial Day, I wanted to say thank you to all of those who have served in the United State armed forces, past and present.

Family members include:

My Grandy, who served in WWII and after as a Colonel in the Army Air Corp(before there was an Air Force).
My Pawpaw and several of his brothers who served in the National Guard.
My cousin, Kirk, who served in the Navy.

And especially to my best friend of 13 years who is currently serving the the United States Air Force.

Thank you, Captain Daniel Hall.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Uh, check your list again.

I received in the mail today a sample can of Enfamil Next Step formula for toddlers, since my baby will be turning one next month.

Uh, thanks. But you might want to re-check your list and make sure that the baby lived for more than one hour before you go sending them formula and all. Sheesh.

Anyone need a can of Enfamil Next Step formula with iron? You are more than welcome to take it off my hands.

I don't think I'll be needing it.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Treyson's Tree

This is Treyson's Tree.
(I tried to get a chicken free picture, but they were swarming me. There was a whole flock at my feet that you can't see.)This tree was given to us several days after Treyson was born by our good friends, Kris and Heather . I can't even begin to tell you how much I love this tree!! There are so many special things about this tree. First off, it is a crepe myrtle, so it blooms every summer. It will start blooming right around Treyson's birthday and stay blooming for several months to follow. Neat, huh? Also, the blooms are pink, which is Treyson's modern birthstone color. Even neater, huh? And third, it is planted in my back yard in a place where you can see it out of any of my kitchen windows. Why I look in to my backyard(which I do about 6 thousand times a day. Not because I am obsessed with the tree, but because the set up of my house lends itself to looking out the back windows 6 thousand times a day....and I seem to spend alot of time in the kitchen.), my eyes instinctively go to the tree, and then proceed to wander around the rest of the yard that can be seen from the kitchen. I love that the tree is always there for me to see. So tangible. The thought has crossed my mind what I would do with the tree if we ever moved to a different house. The thought of leaving it behind is unthinkable and I've all but decided that I'd be willing to pay just about any sum of money to have the tree moved. No place would be home without it.

Now I'm not getting all eastern and trying to say that I think Treyson lives through the tree, or that the tree is somehow a part of Treyson. I just adore that as the years go by, I have a living, growing, changing reminder of a child that I didn't have the opportunity to see grow and change. I've told Heather several times how much I love the tree, but I don't really think she realizes how much I LOVE THAT TREE. Heather has been such a wonderful friend to me from the very beginning of this journey. She is always there, but never pushy. I don't know what I'd do without her.

Well, I need to run. You can only keep a captive audience when talking about a tree for so long and I think I'm pushing my time limit. Also, I just looked out the window to find that Luke is playing some kind of baseball/fetch game with one of the chickens. They both seem to be enjoying themselves, but I'm not sure how safe it is for the chicken.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

A Start

Well, I guess it is time for me to start sharing the things that I want to share about Treyson before his birthday arrives. In some ways I have been avoiding this. I haven't had much to blog about because it seems like that lately all my thoughts lead back to Treyson and I haven't felt quite up to going there yet. Several of my friends have asked how I am doing with his birthday approaching, and I have honestly been able to say that I am doing fine. I've shocked myself with how well I've done holding myself together. I haven't fallen apart like I have been anticipating for months that I would. So today when I put Ray down for her nap and sat down to check on my blog buddies it hit me why I have been doing so well....avoidance. I have been avoiding thinking about it because of not wanting to deal with the emotions that it will stir up. I mean, I think about Treyson hundreds of times a day. Our house is filled with reminders of him. Josh, the kids, and I mention him on a daily basis. But, I have been avoiding really thinking about him. That may not make sense to you, but for me there is a difference between thinking about and talking about someone in passing, and sitting down and really thinking about how much you love and miss someone. The latter is what I have been avoiding, and honestly I am still not ready to deal with those thoughts and emotions quite yet.

Even though I am not ready to share those thoughts and emotions(even with myself), I would still like to begin share some of Treyson with you. I stay super busy(don't we all??), so I know that if I have the opportunity to blog real quick right now, then I need to take advantage of it.

Like I said earlier, our house is filled with reminders of Treyson. I did that on purpose. When you love someone very deeply, denying that they existed would hurt even more than reminders that they did exist but are just no longer here with you. I like that every room in our house has some little reminder of Treyson, even if that reminder is inconspicuous(pardon me for butchering the spelling. I know what is means, I just don't know how to spell it). Over the next couple of weeks I would like to share some of those reminders and keepsake with you. There is no way that I could share them all, nor would I want to. Every mother knows special things about her child that no one else knows. So as a mother I want to hold some of those in my heart just for me.

This first picture is of something very precious to me. (On a side note, you will probably hear me say that about everything I show you. But that is just because they are all treasures to me.). After Treyson passed away a friend of the family made a cast of his hand and had this priceless treasure made for us.

That is Treyson's hand. Isn't that just amazing? If you look real close you can see how long his fingernails were. He was born desperately needing his fingernails trimmed. It was one of the many perfect things about him.

The mold of Treyson's hand has it's own special case, but it sits on top of the armour in our bedroom. The only time we packed it up in its case was to evacuate for hurricane Ike. I was not about it leave it at home.

This next picture is of another item that was packed up and brought with us for our evacuation.

My mom had this little box engraved. I just love it. It also sits up on top of my armour. The lid comes off and this....

is what we keep inside. (sorry about the sideways picture. not sure why it did that.) This heart was given to me before Treyson was born by a friend of my sister's. I have never met this woman, but several years ago she lost premature twins. One boy and one girl. She now has a ministry to mothers who have lost infants. When she found out about Treyson's diagnosis she sent me a whole packet of stuff for dealing with the loss of a child. Before Treyson was born I couldn't even bring myself to look at it. I was still holding on to the hope that he would be healed and it felt like giving up to do more than just quickly glance over the stuff she sent. But the night we had to quickly pack our stuff and head to the hospital(more about that in another post) I grabbed the kit that she sent me and brought it with us. The little heart came in a bag with a note that said something to the effect, "keep this heart close to you as a reminder of me since I can't be with you".
From the time Treyson passed away up until his funeral I had the heart with me at all times. Before the funeral we placed the heart and Treyson's hand, and there it stayed for the duration of the visitation and funeral. After the funeral, we decided that the box that my mom had given us was the prefect spot for the heart. There isn't a week that goes by that Ray doesn't ask for the box so that she can see the heart. She opens the box, takes out the heart, holds it in her hand for a minute, and then puts it back in the box and hands it to me or Josh to put back up. She is far to young to understand the significance of the heart, but it is still important to her none the less. It blesses my heart every time she asks to see it.
I'm going to go now. It's never a good thing when I start getting too long winded. Although, I don't guess it would really be considered long winded when it is typing instead of talking. Oh well, the idea remains the same.
I'll post again soon and share more precious things of Treyson's. And don't feel that you are obligated to comment on this or any of the other up coming posts. I am doing this mainly for my own peace of mind. From the beginning, Josh has always said that he thinks my blog is good therapy for me. So it is something that I need to do.
Thank you all for your prayers and I'll post again soon.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

One Month From Today...

will be Treyson's first birthday. Over the next month I am going to try to share with you some things that I hold close to my heart. Special items we have in his memory, some of his birth story, and some of the things that the Lord has taught me in the past year. It will be difficult for me...kind of like re-opening a healing wound, but it is something that I need to do. I want him to be remembered and his memory honored.