Not my will, but your's be done.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

A Start

Well, I guess it is time for me to start sharing the things that I want to share about Treyson before his birthday arrives. In some ways I have been avoiding this. I haven't had much to blog about because it seems like that lately all my thoughts lead back to Treyson and I haven't felt quite up to going there yet. Several of my friends have asked how I am doing with his birthday approaching, and I have honestly been able to say that I am doing fine. I've shocked myself with how well I've done holding myself together. I haven't fallen apart like I have been anticipating for months that I would. So today when I put Ray down for her nap and sat down to check on my blog buddies it hit me why I have been doing so well....avoidance. I have been avoiding thinking about it because of not wanting to deal with the emotions that it will stir up. I mean, I think about Treyson hundreds of times a day. Our house is filled with reminders of him. Josh, the kids, and I mention him on a daily basis. But, I have been avoiding really thinking about him. That may not make sense to you, but for me there is a difference between thinking about and talking about someone in passing, and sitting down and really thinking about how much you love and miss someone. The latter is what I have been avoiding, and honestly I am still not ready to deal with those thoughts and emotions quite yet.

Even though I am not ready to share those thoughts and emotions(even with myself), I would still like to begin share some of Treyson with you. I stay super busy(don't we all??), so I know that if I have the opportunity to blog real quick right now, then I need to take advantage of it.

Like I said earlier, our house is filled with reminders of Treyson. I did that on purpose. When you love someone very deeply, denying that they existed would hurt even more than reminders that they did exist but are just no longer here with you. I like that every room in our house has some little reminder of Treyson, even if that reminder is inconspicuous(pardon me for butchering the spelling. I know what is means, I just don't know how to spell it). Over the next couple of weeks I would like to share some of those reminders and keepsake with you. There is no way that I could share them all, nor would I want to. Every mother knows special things about her child that no one else knows. So as a mother I want to hold some of those in my heart just for me.

This first picture is of something very precious to me. (On a side note, you will probably hear me say that about everything I show you. But that is just because they are all treasures to me.). After Treyson passed away a friend of the family made a cast of his hand and had this priceless treasure made for us.

That is Treyson's hand. Isn't that just amazing? If you look real close you can see how long his fingernails were. He was born desperately needing his fingernails trimmed. It was one of the many perfect things about him.

The mold of Treyson's hand has it's own special case, but it sits on top of the armour in our bedroom. The only time we packed it up in its case was to evacuate for hurricane Ike. I was not about it leave it at home.

This next picture is of another item that was packed up and brought with us for our evacuation.

My mom had this little box engraved. I just love it. It also sits up on top of my armour. The lid comes off and this....

is what we keep inside. (sorry about the sideways picture. not sure why it did that.) This heart was given to me before Treyson was born by a friend of my sister's. I have never met this woman, but several years ago she lost premature twins. One boy and one girl. She now has a ministry to mothers who have lost infants. When she found out about Treyson's diagnosis she sent me a whole packet of stuff for dealing with the loss of a child. Before Treyson was born I couldn't even bring myself to look at it. I was still holding on to the hope that he would be healed and it felt like giving up to do more than just quickly glance over the stuff she sent. But the night we had to quickly pack our stuff and head to the hospital(more about that in another post) I grabbed the kit that she sent me and brought it with us. The little heart came in a bag with a note that said something to the effect, "keep this heart close to you as a reminder of me since I can't be with you".
From the time Treyson passed away up until his funeral I had the heart with me at all times. Before the funeral we placed the heart and Treyson's hand, and there it stayed for the duration of the visitation and funeral. After the funeral, we decided that the box that my mom had given us was the prefect spot for the heart. There isn't a week that goes by that Ray doesn't ask for the box so that she can see the heart. She opens the box, takes out the heart, holds it in her hand for a minute, and then puts it back in the box and hands it to me or Josh to put back up. She is far to young to understand the significance of the heart, but it is still important to her none the less. It blesses my heart every time she asks to see it.
I'm going to go now. It's never a good thing when I start getting too long winded. Although, I don't guess it would really be considered long winded when it is typing instead of talking. Oh well, the idea remains the same.
I'll post again soon and share more precious things of Treyson's. And don't feel that you are obligated to comment on this or any of the other up coming posts. I am doing this mainly for my own peace of mind. From the beginning, Josh has always said that he thinks my blog is good therapy for me. So it is something that I need to do.
Thank you all for your prayers and I'll post again soon.


MamaJ said...

I love the cast of his hand, how amazing! I wish someone had done that for us, it would be so sweet to see that all the time. Love you guys!!

sweet jenn said...

Thank you so much for sharing. I know that this whole process will open up doors or windows that you would rather keep closed, and, take it from me....I know how you feel. I would rather keep some things to myself too, but Josh is probably's good therapy. You are an amazing woman of God and I admire you so much. I hold you close to my heart as a friend and I love you so much....xoxo

Ryon and Rachel said...

Wow. I don't have words...only tears...emotions that can't be put into words. What wonderful treasures. I know it doesn't compare to being able to hold Treyson...but what a wonderful reminder. The cast of his Thank you for sharing that.

MamaJ said...

Oh yeah, BTW, you spelled inconspicuous right! :-)

Sara said...

I cannot get over the cast of Treyson's hand. That is truly amazing. I have casts of Samuel's handprints, but not his hands.

I will be thinking of you in these next few weeks as we approach Treyson's birthday. It will be difficult, but I love that you are sharing bits and pieces of him with us.

Heather said...

I too don't really have words...but lots of tears. I adore the cast of his hand, and the story of Ray wanting to see the heart sent me to sobbing! Thank you so much for sharing all of this! I love you, my friend! Still praying...