:a stong desire for something unattainable: craving
The past week or so has been difficult for me. Last Wednesday was Treyson's due date, and this Wednesday is his two month birthday. Yesterday was a hard one for me. It started in the morning. In Sunday school we talked about prayer. We are going to spend the month of August focusing on prayer. What prayer is?, why we do it?, how should it be done?, etc. This is a sensitive topic for me. I am still working through my emotions regarding prayer. When our teacher started probing our thoughts on the purpose of prayer, part of me wanted to jump up and scream, "I don't know!! Why do we pray when God isn't going to do anything!?!" That is truly not how I feel. Even though God didn't answer my prayers how I wanted Him to, He has still show Himself to me in incredible ways, and drawn me to Himself like never before.
Inspite of all the grace and mercy to Lord has poured out on my life, there is still a part of me that is very wounded, and almost feels betrayed. The pain of my loss cuts deep. I guess that it is human nature to want to blame someone or something when something this horrible happens in your life. Treyson's condition was out of our control. There was nothing Josh, me, or any doctor in the world could have done to save him. God was the ONLY one who could intervene. Now that he is gone part of me wants to blame God because He was the only one who could have done anything. And He didn't. When the pain feels like it is too much to bear, I want to shout at the Lord, "You could have changed this! It did not have to be this way!"
I don't feel this way all the time. It is only in the moments when the hurt feels like it will swallow me, that the anger comes. Anger has always been my survival mechanism. I much rather feel anger than pain. In the past when I would experience something hurtful, I would usually just get mad, until the pain was more tolerable. So now, when surviving is all I can do, it should be no surprise that the anger starts to seeth from me.
Luckily, it is not very often that I feel this way. I do spend a great deal of my time resting in God grace. I am able to see God's hand in my life and my trials with Treyson, and I am able to whole heartedly thank Him for that.
Yesterday evening I went to visit Treyson's grave. Beside him a baby was just buried. There is no marker, so I don't know who his new roommate is. It felt weird that he now has babies on both sides of him. I don't know if I have mentioned it before, but the area of the cemetary where Treyson is buried is called Babyland. There are dozens of babies buried all around. I find it sad and soothing at the same time. I know that a baby that passes away does not turn in to an angel, but when I look around Babyland at all the little headstones that represent the different babies, I imagine little angels. I look around a see dozens of little angels, and I am comforted by it.
We went back out to the cemetary today to pick up things around Treyson's grave. There are several tokens that we, along with other family members, have put out there for him. With tropical storm Edouard heading right for us, we thought that we better go get his things before they blow away.
Edouard has gotten me all excited. Part of me is dying to be headed to Galveston right now. It is taking much restraint on my part to keep from doing so. I have always wanted to be able to surf as a tropical storm or hurricane comes in. I know you think I am nuts. I didn't say that I wanted to be in the water in the middle of a hurricane. I just want the chance to surf before it hits when the waves get good. Living where we live, the waves aren't great that often, so I am chomping at the bit to be in the water right now.
Josh and I were laughing earlier. We were saying how in Galveston right now all the tourist are trying to get out and all the locals are grabbing their boards and heading for the beach. I would give just about anything to be a local heading for the water. The beach quiets my soul. It calms my emotions and drowns out my problems. My fears are hushed by the wind. My pain is soothed by the feel of the sand between my toes. My problems are washed away in the waves. And my heart is warmed by the sun. There is no place on earth more peaceful, and I am longing for it. It would be temporary pain relief.
As for now, I will just keep longing.
Longing for the beach.
Longing to surf.
Longing for my baby.