Not my will, but your's be done.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Hurry up and wait.

This entire adoption journey has been a walk of faith. Every step the Lord has been nudging us forward, saying,

"Keep going. Move forward. Trust me."

Some times it has been little steps of faith here and there, and sometimes it has been LEAPS of faith. When we knew that God was calling us to adopt Daniel, committing to him was a leap of faith. We didn't have $24,000-28,000 laying around. And short of robbing a bank, we didn't have a way to get our hands on that kind of money either. But we chose to believe the Lord when he told us that he would provided if we would just obey him.

Leap of faith.

We leapt and never looked back. God has kept his hand on us and provided every step of the way, thus far.

In the nearly 3 months since we committed to adopt Daniel, we have felt God pulling our heart in a new direction. Or I guess, expanding our hearts, would be a better way to put it. Very shortly after God called us to adopt, but before we ever found Daniel, or even Reece's Rainbow for that matter, Josh said that if/when we travel to Eastern Europe to adopt that we should go ahead and take that opportunity to save two children. In his opinion, this was going to be a once in a lifetime experience for us, so might as well go all out with it. Make it a 2 for 1. Save 2 lives, and only have to make 1 trip.(Actually, it is 2 trips, but you get what I mean.) I thought this sounded good. My thinking at the time, though, was that an Eastern European adoption was no where in the near future for us. Surely an undertaking like that was a good ten years down the road? I was submitted to where ever God was leading, but if just didn't seem like an EE adoption was going to be anywhere in the near future for us. So adopting 2 children at once, ten years from now, sounded like an excellent plan.

It didn't take long to realized that God did not intend for us to wait ten years before taking the plunge. While I could fathom a domestic adoption at this point in our lives, international adoption terrified me. Once I knew for sure that God was calling us to move forward and work towards an EE adoption, it was a leap of faith to surrender to move forward with what terrified me most. Josh's heart was there all along, and it was his unwavering faith that this was where God was leading us that encouraged me to trust that God knew what he was doing. Even if it looked like he was leading us down and impossible path.

Then we found Daniel.

God's call to us to adopt Daniel was a crystal clear as his original call for us to adopt in the first place. No doubting. I threw my heart and energy behind doing everything possible to keep that little boy from being transferred to sure death in an institution.

Everything step of the way of our adoption journey, God has been telling us to keep moving forward. In leaps and bounds. Over and over he has said,

"Keeping walking in faith, and trust me."

Then I laid eyes on another little boy on the Reece's Rainbow website. I was instantly drawn to him and kept going back to look at him. Every day. Multiple times a day. I couldn't get him out of my head....or my heart. I showed him to Josh, and he was drawn to him also. As the days and weeks went by, I found myself falling in love with this little fellow. I tried my best to guard my heart, because I didn't know yet if God was calling us to adopt him also. Oh, did I mention that he lives at Daniel's orphanage? Well, he does. Adding him to our adoption would only cost around $4000. That is $4000 that we didn't have, but what's $4000 compared to $28,000? We'd be saving $24,000 dollars to go ahead and adopt him now, as opposed to going back for him later. Not to mention, that way back when we first surrendered to adopting, Josh said that if we're going to make this trip we might as well save 2. It only made logical sense to add him to our adoption. Yet, I felt like the Lord hadn't said yes. So I went to the opposite end of the spectrum. I felt like if God wasn't saying yes, then he must be saying no. I tried to put the little man out of my mind. I stopped looking at his picture. I tried to stop thinking about him. If God was saying "NO", then I was going to guard my heart even more to keep it from getting broken.

It didn't work though. I didn't forget about him. I couldn't forget about him. But God still wasn't saying yes. The odd thing was, Josh and I both felt that God had another child for us to add to our adoption. Then, God provided a huge jump in Daniel's grant that would make adding a child to our adoption very feasible. Yet, God STILL wasn't saying yes. I started praying about it more fervently(and enlisted a prayer warrior to pray with me). Josh and I started praying together for guidance, in regards to this little guy.

Then he said it...(By HE, I mean God)



I placed him in your heart. I drew you to him. But wait.

WAIT?! What in the world does wait mean?!


Why wait?! He could be transferred! And we need to update our paperwork! That takes time and we don't have time to wait! HE doesn't have time to wait!

Trust me. And wait.

So I took a few deep breathes. I chose to trust him. And I chose to wait. This whole journey God had been asking us to trust him by walking in faith. Moving forward and trusting him to provide and take care of us. Now he was asking us to trust him and wait.

So we waited. Let me just tell you, waiting is HARD. I had no clue why God was making us wait. By now, we knew full well that this little guy was going to be ours. So why, why, why not just make it official, update the papers, and make our announcement?

Then the Lord showed us his why.

A precious little angel of a daughter was why. It puts a lump in my throat and tears in my eye just to type about her. We had no idea that there was an angel waiting in the wings for us. I was so ready to barrel ahead with my heart. If I had done so I would have barrelled right past her and missed her altogether. I would have gotten so wrapped up in all the technicalities of adding this new little fellow to our adoption, that by the time I could see through the pile of papers, it would be too late to add the little miss. God had us wait, so that we could add them both at the same time, therefore, doing all the neccessary updates to our papers only once.

Isn't God good?

Now the only why I am asking, is why the Lord saw fit to bless me so. I look back at my past and my mistakes, and then I look around my at the children the Lord has given me, here at home, and the ones whom we are adding through adoption, and I don't know why the Lord saw fit to bless me so. God's grace at his fullest.

I will share their names and pictures with you tomorrow. But for now, just rejoice with us that two more precious angels will be coming with us when bring Daniel home!!


Melissa M said...

I am rejoicing with you and cannot wait to see who else will be joining your family!

Micah said...

You may be needin' MY bunk beds as well as the ones you just put in L's room! LOL
I can't wait to meet all THREE of your babies and I am marveling at God's awesomeness!

Lisa (DanielsMommy) said...

What an amazing testimony of faith!! We are SO happy for you and can't wait to see pictures of your angels.

Sarah said...

Jessica, I seriously wish I had the faith and ability to surrender like you do.
Congratulations, and I cannot wait for you to bring these kiddos home!!!

Becky said...

Oh, my goodness. Jessica. Today. Today! Do you realize that TODAY is the day that God gave me the go-ahead to make the phone calls that led to my message to you?? Today. Without me knowing about this post. Oh, girl. God is teaching us both so much about the blessings He holds for those who wait!!!

Mel said...

Jessica... your children are so blessed!!! I can not WAIT until they are HOME with you... I wish I had known when I was there that God was leading you to Daniel's brother and sister, I would have found a way to whisper in their ears too! :)

Emi said...

You have me crying here! And I don't even know you LOL. I can't wait to see the cuties God chose to be your children!

Michael Paine said...

If my math is correct that makes not one, not two but THREE babies that will have you as their mommy!? Wow I hope these babies one day see the most amazing parents on this side of heaven anyone could ever have. What an amazing family you will be. My sorting is coming along so when I get it all gathered up I will call you. Be expecting a call in the next day or two!

A Little Down Time said...

Speechless! I am in shock and awe and so incredibly amazed and happy for you guys! Congratulations to you all :)

Carrie said...

Wow! So, so amazing! :)

Annette said...

How wonderful for the Carlin family! Can't wait to meet and hug them all. Wow, what amazing things God is doing in your lives. Praying for Parker, Josslyn, and Danil.

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