Not my will, but your's be done.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Riding it Out

*Before I start I have a prayer request. Yesterday my very pregnant cousin evacuted to Grapevine, Texas. She is due on Sept 3 with her first child. Earlier this week her doctor gave her all her records and they got her set up with a doctor in Grapevine just incase we did end up having to evacute and she ended up having the baby while evacuated.

Well she was feeling weird and went straight to the hospital when her and her husband got to Grapevine last night. After checking her they realized that the baby was in great distress and quickly rushed her to have a emergency c-section.

Baby Weston was born at midnight, weighing 5lb, 14 oz. He has some lung and heart problems and is in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. Keep both my cousin, Kami and baby Weston in your prayers.*

I thought that I'd update to let everyone know what we decided to do.

We decided to wait until this morning to make a decision about when/if we would leave. After getting up and assessing the situation, we decided that we are going to stay. If we lose power as the storm moves through then we will leave at that point. Either Josh or I will get up and check on the latest predictions at 5am. The only way that we will leave before it makes landfall is if when we check the status in the morning Gustav has taken a drastic turn to the west.

Since the majority of my friends and family are evacuated(the evacuation is still mandatory), so I am posting some pictures for them so that they can see what is going on here(that is if they have internet access where ever they are.

This first picture is of the Market Basket on 27th Street. The majority of businesses and about 1/3 of the homes are boarded up.

This is the Hwy 69 and Hwy 365 intersection. We were the only car in sight at that point. It was rather creepy.

This is one of the Wal-Mart entrances. They are closed and braced for the storm. It was also weird to see the parking lot completely empty. It is open 24 hours, so I have never seen the parking lot empty.

This is what most of the gas stations look like. Alot are out of gas, and the rest are just closed. We saw 3 open gas stations. Th only open business is HEB and it is packed! I braved the crowds and bought some groceries earlier today. I cleaned out my fridge and freezer and when we bought groceries saturday we only got dry goods. So I needed eggs, meat, ect.

As long as we don't lose power or internet then I will kept things updated.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Go Away, Gustav!

I didn't sleep much last night. While watching the news before we went to bed I suddenly became anxious about Hurricane Gustav and what our plan of action should be. Up until this point, I haven't given it too much thought. Josh and I early on said that we were going to ride this one out. Neither of us thought that it would go in close to us, so even if it intensified dramatically, we would only get Tropical Storm to Category 1 winds and rain. Last hurricane season we awoke to surprise Hurricane Humberto moving in. When we went to bed that night Humberto was a tropical storm that was supposed to go in at Galveston. Humberto to a surprise turn and then jumped up to hurricane status, and moved right through where we live. Besides losing power for about 3 or 4 days, everything else went smoothly. The kids slept off and on through the whole thing.

After Humberto last year, and the not-so-exciting Tropical Storm Edouard, we decided to stay this time unless it became a Cat 3 headed straight for us. The plan was, ride it out and leave afterwards if we lose power. IF Gustav intensified and headed more our way and it became apparent that it wouldn't be safe to stay with the children, then we would leave at the last minute so that we don't get stuck in the mass evacuating traffic. We were satisfied with our plan.

When we got home from the football game last night the projected path of Gustav had been inching and inching a little bit more west. Since it is going to be several days before it makes landfall, I got nervous that it would keep inching its way that way and head straight for us. I talked to my mom informed her of our plan. I also made the mistake of telling her that I planned to surf Monday. That landed me with mini-lecture about rip tides. But as I attempted to go to sleep last night my mind was racing thinking that maybe our plan needed a little tweeking. All the many possible senarios of what could happen with Gustav kept running through my mind.

I awoke this morning after a very restless night where I did not get much sleep only to find that my suspicions were confirmed. Gustav the great had grown from a Category 1 with 80mph sustained winds, to a Category 3 with 120 mph sustained winds. Not only that, but the projected path is curved even more towards us now than it previously was.

I let out a long sigh. I knew that the day would be filled with getting gas before it runs out, getting food for what could possibly be a VERY long car ride, and many other decisions(i.e. where we should go?, when we should leave?, what car we should borrow since mine STILL isn't fixed?, and whether or not to board up the windows?). As I drove around running my errands I could see the same exhaustion that I feel on the faces of those in the community. It is less than a month from the 3 year anniversary of Hurricane Rita. The devestation that it caused when the eye of the storm went through our city is all too fresh on our memory. No one was left unscathed.

When I returned home from the store and turned on the news I discoved that there was a huge drop in pressure and Gustav is now a Category 4 with 145 mph sustained winds. Wait, it gets better. It hasn't even hit the "sweet spot" in the Gulf of Mexico where Hurricanes Katrina and Rita exploded.

It is exhausting thinking about what we are going to be dealing with in the next couple of days(possibly weeks...). We've survived it before and I know we will again. But it is still exhausting.

Monday, August 25, 2008


Today was a big day for the Carlin family. We finalized Luke's adoption today. Josh and I started dating when Luke was very young. Luke has never known any other father but Josh. Explaining the adoption to Luke was difficult. From the time I was pregnant with him I completely intended to be honest with him and answer any questions he may have. I used my pregnancies with Ray and Trey to try to explain things to him. It just hasn't clicked with him yet. I have come to realize that I do not understand whatsoever how a five year olds mind works. The climax of my realization came last night when Luke asked me, " Is ya'll adopting me the same as when we got Pilot." (Pilot is Luke's dog.)

I think that Luke aquated getting Pilot with being adopted is because there has been a good deal of talk in our house lately about adopting a retired racing greyhound. I guess that has been the extent of his exposure to what adoption means. We discussed it further, but he still doesn't completely comprehend it all. He has no memory of Josh not being his dad, so he has a hard time grasping that there was a time in his life that Josh wasn't in his life. I know that it will be years before he understands, but at least there is an inkling of understanding.

This is us being sworn in. (I think Ray was trying to swear in her blankie also.)
My completely adorable baby boy.

The judge reviewed all of our documents and the case study, and then asked us some questions. They were general questions like how we felt about the adoption and so forth.
It was at this point that Judge Shelton asked Luke if he had talked to Pilot to see what he thought about the adoption. Luke said no. Then the judge asked Luke something about Josh. I can't remember what he asked but Luke mumbled an answer, but I could see his wheels turning. If you don't know my son, then I will enlighten you. He is a GREAT kid, and I'm serious about that. But he can talk anybody under the table. He talks pretty much from the time he wakes up, until the time the he is asleep. Once you ask him one question you open pandora's box. He will begin talking non-stop. So once I noticed that his wheels were turning I knew that his mouth would start soon after.

I was right. Soon after Luke blurted out, (while unintentionally pointing his thumb at Josh), "I've been trying to get him to quit eating dead chickens."

I froze.

As a mother I knew that he was talking about Pilot, as opposed to Josh,(although his flailing thumb was pointing at Josh), but I wasn't so sure that the judge would know who he was talking about. I'm sure that my eyes were as big as saucers. I was imagining the judge picture Josh biting the heads off of live chickens like some crazed Alice Cooper wanna-be.

Judge Shelton just smiled and said, "That's a hard habit to break, isn't it?"

Luke just nodded. Whew!
Everyone began snickering,(including the baliff), so I knew that whether or not the judge knew who Luke was referring to, it obviously didn't phase him.
Granny(my mom)and Granna(Josh's mom) participating in the big day.

Afterwards, we went to eat at IHOP(Luke's choice) to celebrate. This is my I'm-so-happy-this-is-finally-done face. It somewhat resembles my football game face, and my I'm-bored-and-playing-with-the-camera face.

Later that afternoon I met up with my great friend, Naomi. Naomi and I were roommates for about a year in college. She has an adorable daughter, Evie, that is about a week older than Ray. Naomi lives about 3 1/2 hours away, but was in town with her husband on business. It was great to get to see her, even if it was just for a couple of hours, and the girls had a blast playing together. Aren't they just adorable?

It was a tiring day, but wonderful, day. Ray decided that she would rest with Daddy awhile.

It was an important day for our family. And I will admit that I breathed a sigh of relief when all the legalities were taken care of for good.
In the words of Luke when he was asked about what today meant, he said, "I'm Daddy's son now. He chose me and I chose him too."

Across the Universe

*The is my second attempt at this post. I posted a couple of days ago, but I decided I didn't like it so I deleted it.

After being scolded for doing so I am attempting to re-write it. The re-writes are never as good as the originals though.

As I'm sure you have noticed I have made some changes to my blog: background, pictures, music, the works! I knew that the majority of you would wonder where the quotes around the pictures came from and their signifigance. All of the quotes around the pictures are from Beatles songs. I am somewhat of a Beatles fanatic. I grew up listening to their music, so at an early age I fell in love with their timeless music and quirky personalities. I have a Beatles song that I have chosen to represent Josh, and each of my children.

I started this when Luke was a baby. He was the complete love of my life and I wanted to pick out a song to be "our song". I have a voice that only my mother and the Lord could ever possibly tolerate. But when Luke was a tiny infant I would sing to him as I rocked and nursed him. I sang alot of praise music and 3 or 4 of my favorite hymns, but I also wanted to have a different song that whenever he heard it he would think of my love for him. The warm fuzzies, if you will.

The months preceeding and following Luke's birth were engulfed in turmoil,(through no fault of his. He was practically a PERFECT baby). His song is "Here Comes the Sun". It is kinda a play on words, sun/son. But the main reason I chose it was because it talks about how things may have been difficult, but things are going to be okay.

Next came Josh. His song is "Here, There, and Everywhere". I knew that I wanted a Beatles song in my wedding. This song, although not previously in my top favorites, fit perfectly. It simply states that I need you everywhere for my life to be all that it can be. That is how I feel about Josh. I need him everywhere. Also, My Love is what I have called Josh since about a month after we met. So the fact that it says, "my love" in the lyrics made it even that more perfect.

Raylen's song just clicked. I was able to feel Raylen move what I feel like was pretty early in my pregnancy, at about 14 weeks. I had been feeling her move in my tummy for about a month before we found out that we were having a girl. I just KNEW she was going to be a boy(so much for that mother's intuition, right?), and I hadn't put any though whatsoever in to what her song was going to be. But the day we found out that we were having a girl, the song "Something"(also called "Something In the Way She Moves") got stuck in my head. I couldn't quit thinking about it and singing it(the singing was done in private). After that, every time I thought about that song, it reminded me of Ray. So it just automatically became her song. I didn't really have a choice in the matter. Even if I had mentally picked a different one, the song that will forever remind me of her and make me smile is "Something".

So Ray was born and more rocking/nursing/singing commenced.

Treyson's song is "Golden Slumbers". Before we knew about Treyson's complications I had a song picked out for it he was a boy, and another one for if he were a girl.

Then disaster struck.

Once we learned of Treyson's complications I knew that he needed a special song. We knew that we would probable never hear him cry, because of his lungs being underdeveloped. "Golden Slumbers" was the perfect song. Simple and Beautiful. It was the perfect lullabye for my baby.

I know that I'm a little nutty(Okay, maybe more than a little), but the songs are special to me. I wanted to share that with you.

Oh, also, here is a brief explanation of the songs that play on my blog. The first on is "Bring the Rain", by Mercy Me. Thoughout this difficult time in our life, Josh and I have tried to keep this song as our testimony. It was also played at Treyson's funeral.

The second song is "Held", by Natalie Grant. This song was sung so very beautifully at the funeral. Kelli even personalized the words for Treyson. It could not have been more perfect.

The third song is "Golden Slumbers".

The video below is of the song "Something". The song is special to me, but the reason I love the video is because of that love-in-your-eyes look they all have. I'm a sucker for that. You may not care to watch it. But if you do you need to scroll down to the bottom of the page and pause the music before you do.

One last thing. "Across the Universe" is also Beatles song. The lyrics aren't particularly meaningful(infact they sound somewhat drug induced), but the song is pretty and was part of the prelude music of our wedding. Also, it wasn't until several months after I picked "Something" to be Ray's song that I realized that it was in to prelude music of our wedding.

Saturday, August 16, 2008


Our appointment went well. We met with both Dr. Lockheart and the genetic counselor. They were both very nice, and had studied all of our records in much detail. Dr. Cunningham had already informed us that when the results came back from Treyson's bloodwork and biopsy that all of the chromosones were normal. Dr. Lockheart started by telling us that we obviously had some incredible doctors. She said that all of the reports about Treyson and I were excellent. She proceeded to tell us that the fact that the chromosones were normal was a really good thing. Abnormal chromosones would put us at a much higher chance of having problems in the future, if we choose t0 have another baby.

Treyson had multiple problems. Besides not having kidneys, he had problems with his lower spine, and some extra fluid in his brain. Dr. Lockheart and her assistant, the genetic counselor, had done alot of research on Treyson's problems. They informed us that everything that went "wrong" with him happened between 20 and 30 days after conception. I asked her if I could have possible done something or have been exposed to something in that time that could have hurt the baby. They said that in all the research done, Treyson's problems could not be pin-pointed on any particular thing. She said that in her opinion that we had only a 3% chance of this happening again.

Josh and I left the appointment feeling as good as you can feel in this situation. We both feel like we had the best doctor doing her absolute best to give us an answer. I REALLY wanted to get to the root of the problem. I wanted to know, was it a bad egg?, defective sperm?, benzene exposure?(my huband works with chemicals), the pollution of our area?(we live in one of the most polluted areas of the country), ect. But even though we didn't get the exact answer I wanted, I still left with a peace. I felt like since we had great doctors that all did their best, even though we didn't get the definative answer that I wanted, that we got the answers we were meant to have. Apparently we aren't supposed to know the exact reason why right now.

There is still a part of me that wants to know EXACTLY what went wrong, and EXACTLY when it went wrong. But after much thought, I think that my baby was perfect and exactly as God intended him to be. Who am I to change God's plan? God did not cause Treyson's problems, but He very well could have prevented them...but He didn't.
Treyson was exactly the way he was supposed to be.


I love my baby, Treyson Kemp Carlin, with my whole heart. I would give anything to have him in my arms now. But I know enought to know that God knows best. If it was meant for him to be healed, than he would have been. Obviously he was perfect the way he was.

I'm happy with the answers we got, as minimal as they were. They confirmed what I had thought all along. Treyson was exactly as he was meant to be.


That is my child.

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Dr. Lockheart

I'll make this short and sweet.

Tomorrow we,(the "we" being Josh and I), have our appointment with the pediactric genetic specialist. Her specialty is babies with anomolies. We have never seen her before, but she is supposed to be a wonderful doctor that is one of the leading doctors in our country on pediatric genetics(or so the world wide web says.). She has all of mine and Treyson's records and medical reports. She will talk to us about Treyson and answer any questions that we have, but we are also recieving genetic counseling. It is most likely that Treyson's bilateral renal agenesis(no kidneys) was a fluke, but if there is a hereditary connection then we have up to a 25% chance of this occuring again if there is a future pregnancy.

I have a feeling that tomorrow will be an emotional day, so it is likely that I will not give an update about our appointment until Saturday. Plus, we have to drive to UTMB Galveston for our appointment, so I'll be tired and puffy eyed by the time we get home.

I am looking forward to the smell of the ocean though.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

My Day

Tonight my dad's side of the family,(the local ones anyway), went out to eat for my cousin's birthday. I was completely dreading it, and originally planned on not going. But at the last minute we decided to go. The reason I didn't want to was because I am irritated at them.

O.K., not irritated.

More like completely enraged.

Not a single one of my 8 cousins(15, counting there spouses. and that's just on my dad's side), ever acknowledged Treyson's birth or passing. Not one of them came to the funeral. Not one of them called. Not one of them sent a card, or even a email.

My dad's side of the family is notorious for sweeping any unpleasent issue under the rug and not mentioning them. A couple of years ago my parent's got divorced after 30 years of marriage. None of my dad's family even mentioned it. They basically acted like my mom never exisisted. It was okay with me at the time, because the last people I wanted to talk about it with was any of them.

But, in regards to the complete disregard to Treyson's life, to say that I have been angry would probably be the understatement of the century.

After talking to Josh, I decided to get over myself and attend my cousin's party. As we were walking in to the restaurant I started mumbling under my breath what I felt like saying to certain people. Josh set me straight and in turn I bit my tongue for the next hour and a half. It wasn't fun though, but I did it. It was an extreme exercise of self restraint.

As I was putting Luke to bed I was irritable and impatient. About 15 minutes later I started feeling guilty that we hadn't ended the evening on a happy note. I went in to Luke's room to tell him how much he means to me and that I was sorry for being impatient.

"Luke, you know I love you more than anything, right?", I told him.

"That's not right."

(His reply surprised me, but I knew where he was going with this.)

"You know you are supposed to love God the most.", he wisely informed me.

"Oh, you are right, baby. I love God the most. But you do know that you are one of the best gifts that God has ever given me, right?"

"Yeah, I know.", he replyed

Then he added, "I love God the most too."

He put his arms out like he was hugging a very large person, and said,

"This is me giving God a hug."

"That is so sweet", I told him.

"And this is me sending Treyson a hug.", he said as he continued the hugging of a large person motion.

"Aww. That very sweet, baby."
(on a quick side note: the majority of the time that I go to the cemetary I do it in the evening. Luke always tells me to tell Treyson that he loves him and that he sends him a kiss and a hug.)

"And this is me hugging all the dead babies."

That one threw me off for a minute.

But then I realized that he meant all the other babies in the cemetary, and I quickly recovered.

"That is really nice, Luke."

That short conversation with my son made all the previous unpleasent events of the evening bearable.
My anger immediately subsided.
My five year old had put life in perspective for me.

Thank the Lord for five year old boys.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008


*I started this post Tuesday evening. It turned it to a novella and I got too tired to finish it. After cutting some of it out, I finally had a chance to finish it today.*

All endings are also beginnings. We just don't know it at the time..."

I am so very blessed. I cannot begin to describe how I am feeling right now. I was having a not-so-good evening. Josh is working nights. I have become used to it, but at the same time I somewhat dread it. At night is when I usually feel the worst. I think part of it is probably the stress of the day and just being tired. But most of it is that I try very hard to not be upset in front of the kids. My Luke is a sensitive soul, and very perceptive. He can look at me and immediately know if I have been crying. I can see the concern in his face. He is very protective of me, and tries to comfort me and make me happy at all costs. So I do my best to not worry him by crying too much. I don't want him to carry that burden at such a young age.

Anyway, back to my evening. Around 5:00pm a friend of mine called asking if it was okay if she stopped by for a minute in an hour or two. I told her sure, that I would be home the rest of the evening. Little did I know that I was going to be invaded by some of the best friends a person could ask for. Five wonderful women showed up at my house bearing gifts. As I mentioned in my last post, tomorrow is Treyson's two month birthday. They had things for him that they had planned on putting out at his grave. But...Edouard had different plans. They decided to not put them out and risk having them blown away.

I can only begin to tell you how blessed I was by their visit. It wasn't the gifts,(which were absolutely great), or the cards,(which were so sweet and thoughtful), but it was their mere presence. After they left I started thinking about how sweet they were to take time out of their evening to come by just to say that they were think about me and praying for me. They are all mothers of one or more children. Their time is precious. And if their house is anything like my house, after supper is when everything falls apart. Children are tired and dirty, the kitchen is a mess, and nerves are running thin. Inspite of all of that, they showed up at my house, just to say that they cared. That is a friend.

I have had numerous friends over the course of my life. If you have read my previous post where I list all the places I have lived, well, the majority of those places represent friends made and lost. In all the places that I have lived, from Glimer on, I have had atleast one best friend that I was inseperable with. In Gilmer it was Kaki( Yes, Kaki. It is pronounced like the color khaki. I'm sure you have never heard that name. And I have never met another Kaki.). In Victoria it was Alice. In New Boston it was Marcy and Cindi, then Julie and Katy.

New Boston was the place that I live the longest growing up. 7 years. Through my years there I had some very close friends. When I was 16 I dealt with several different difficult things(I may possibly save those stories for another day. Maybe not). Over the course of the year I developed two VERY close friends. Julie and Katy. Whether they know it or not,(and knowing me they probably don't.), they helped me through a very difficult year in my life. We formed an extremely tight bond. When I found out, in July of 1996 that we would be moving to Kingsville in a matter of weeks, my heart broke. I did not want to leave when I had made what I considered to be the best friends a person could have.

The drive from New Boston to Kingsville was about 12 hours. We were quite a caravan. My dad and our dalmation, Gene, in the front in a moving truck and towing our little green Volkswagon Beetle. Next was my PawPaw and Uncle Mike in another full sized moving truck. They were followed by my Grandma in her car. Then was my mom and sister in our van. The caboose was my brother and I in the Oldsmobile Cutlass. I hung my left foot and arm out the window the entire time. Scared my grandma to death.

When we pulled up at our new house and I got out of the car, I burst in to tears. I had to quickly pull myself together though because half the varsity football team showed up to help unload the trucks. Did I mention that my dad was a football coach? Inspite of how sad I was, I had to look somewhat decent for the football team, right?

Over the course of the next year God provided a great group of Christian friends. They had been friends practically since birth. But they took me into their group like they had known me all their life. God's goodness is amazing. During that year I kept in contact with Julie and Katy. Julie and I through phone calls. Katy and I through her 27 page letters(and I honestly mean 27 pages. The girl could write!). The next summer I headed back to northeast Texas to spend a couple of weeks with them. While I was there I recieved more devestating news.

We were moving.


I was really heartbroken this time. God had blessed me with such a great group of friends. A group of best friends that I thought were unreplaceable. I was angry, sad, but also hardened.

In Port Neches I was blessed again with a group of Christian girls that took me into their group, in spite of the fact that it was our senior year and they had,(once again), practically been friends since birth. Out of all of them, Alison really took me under her wing. We became great friends. While we aren't as close as we used to be, I still see her a couple of times a week because we go to church together. She has no idea how much I appreciate how she stepped out of her comfort zone and made the effort to befriend me.

After our senior year we all went our separate ways. I went off to college and even though I came home frequently on the weekends, things weren't the same. We all started growing up, moving away, and getting married. Yet another opportunity to lose touch.

All of this background info is to kinda show you where I come from, friends wise. That is why I have been so touched and impressed with the women that I have in my life right now. I feel like the majority of my life has been spent making and then losing great friends. That has made me a little hesitant to put much effort in to the friendships that I now have, because I'm sure at some point we will all lose touch, right?

The past several months God has really opened my eyes to how blessed I really am in regards to friends. So many women,(not just the five that showed up tonight), have blessed my heart with the outspouring of love, sympathy, and caring. Josh and I were talking the other night about how nice it is to still have people telling us that they are praying for us. That is one of the most comforting things that we can hear these days. Just knowing that there are people in our life that care enough about us to still be praying for us.

Treyson's passing may be the end in some aspects, but it is also the beginning of many others.

The beginning of deeper friendships.

The beginning of a closer relationship between Josh and I.

The beginning of a deeper faith in the Lord and His plan for our life.

Monday, August 4, 2008


:a stong desire for something unattainable: craving

The past week or so has been difficult for me. Last Wednesday was Treyson's due date, and this Wednesday is his two month birthday. Yesterday was a hard one for me. It started in the morning. In Sunday school we talked about prayer. We are going to spend the month of August focusing on prayer. What prayer is?, why we do it?, how should it be done?, etc. This is a sensitive topic for me. I am still working through my emotions regarding prayer. When our teacher started probing our thoughts on the purpose of prayer, part of me wanted to jump up and scream, "I don't know!! Why do we pray when God isn't going to do anything!?!" That is truly not how I feel. Even though God didn't answer my prayers how I wanted Him to, He has still show Himself to me in incredible ways, and drawn me to Himself like never before.

Inspite of all the grace and mercy to Lord has poured out on my life, there is still a part of me that is very wounded, and almost feels betrayed. The pain of my loss cuts deep. I guess that it is human nature to want to blame someone or something when something this horrible happens in your life. Treyson's condition was out of our control. There was nothing Josh, me, or any doctor in the world could have done to save him. God was the ONLY one who could intervene. Now that he is gone part of me wants to blame God because He was the only one who could have done anything. And He didn't. When the pain feels like it is too much to bear, I want to shout at the Lord, "You could have changed this! It did not have to be this way!"

I don't feel this way all the time. It is only in the moments when the hurt feels like it will swallow me, that the anger comes. Anger has always been my survival mechanism. I much rather feel anger than pain. In the past when I would experience something hurtful, I would usually just get mad, until the pain was more tolerable. So now, when surviving is all I can do, it should be no surprise that the anger starts to seeth from me.

Luckily, it is not very often that I feel this way. I do spend a great deal of my time resting in God grace. I am able to see God's hand in my life and my trials with Treyson, and I am able to whole heartedly thank Him for that.

Yesterday evening I went to visit Treyson's grave. Beside him a baby was just buried. There is no marker, so I don't know who his new roommate is. It felt weird that he now has babies on both sides of him. I don't know if I have mentioned it before, but the area of the cemetary where Treyson is buried is called Babyland. There are dozens of babies buried all around. I find it sad and soothing at the same time. I know that a baby that passes away does not turn in to an angel, but when I look around Babyland at all the little headstones that represent the different babies, I imagine little angels. I look around a see dozens of little angels, and I am comforted by it.

We went back out to the cemetary today to pick up things around Treyson's grave. There are several tokens that we, along with other family members, have put out there for him. With tropical storm Edouard heading right for us, we thought that we better go get his things before they blow away.

Edouard has gotten me all excited. Part of me is dying to be headed to Galveston right now. It is taking much restraint on my part to keep from doing so. I have always wanted to be able to surf as a tropical storm or hurricane comes in. I know you think I am nuts. I didn't say that I wanted to be in the water in the middle of a hurricane. I just want the chance to surf before it hits when the waves get good. Living where we live, the waves aren't great that often, so I am chomping at the bit to be in the water right now.

Josh and I were laughing earlier. We were saying how in Galveston right now all the tourist are trying to get out and all the locals are grabbing their boards and heading for the beach. I would give just about anything to be a local heading for the water. The beach quiets my soul. It calms my emotions and drowns out my problems. My fears are hushed by the wind. My pain is soothed by the feel of the sand between my toes. My problems are washed away in the waves. And my heart is warmed by the sun. There is no place on earth more peaceful, and I am longing for it. It would be temporary pain relief.

As for now, I will just keep longing.

Longing for the beach.

Longing to surf.

Longing for my baby.