Today has been a difficult day. I started off the day feeling good. It seemed as thought the bleeding was continuing to subside, so I was happy about that. It didn't take long for it to start getting heavy again. By noon I was bleeding continuously like a heavy period. The cramping was back,(though not as bad as Wednesday), and I was feeling completely fatigued. I was beginning to wonder if I was losing too much blood. I want to be responsible for the sake of my family and my health. But I also know that if I go back to the hospital I most likely will not be coming home until I have had the baby.
I cried off and on all afternoon. I felt as though I was hanging in a delicate balance of trying to be responsible while trying to avoid what I wasn't ready to face. I recieved a very encouraging email from a friend urging me to not give up faith. But I the past few days I honestly feel like I don't have much left in me. I feel like giving up. For the first time since the beginning of all the problems with Tres I feel like I don't really have anything to say to God about it. I feel really guilty about admitting that to myself, let alone all of you. He has been so good to me and his hand has been so evident in my life the past few months. But for the first time I am upset with him. I am upset mainly because I have told God repeatedly that I have a peace about the outcome and if he thinks it is best to take my child to heaven with him then I am ok with that. It is not that I won't be sad. I will be completely devestated. But I just truly believe that God knows what is best. That hasn't stopped me from fervently prayer and believing that God CAN and possibly WILL heal Tres. I just told him that it was ok if he chose not to. I am angry because I feel like if God is going to take my child from me the least he could do is let me carry him as long as possible so that I can have as much time with him as I possibly can. I am trying to not but upset with him. But he is in control and he could change things. But he hasn't! I feel guilty for even feeling this way. I know that I am only human and God's ways are higher and better than my ways. But I just don't understand. I know that he is a big enough God to handle my doubts, anger, and frustration. But my frustration with God has robbed me of my peace. And my friend also reminded me that when you doubt you are giving Satan a foothold in your life, which is that last thing I want to do. I want to put my life back in his hands so that I can rest in his peace again.
Josh knew that I was having a rough day. So he took me and the kids to the feed store and let Luke and Ray pick out a bunny to bring home. For any of you that know us you know that we pretty much used to have a farm at our house. Over the past year and a half we have whittled our pets down to a dog, Pilot(it is Luke's dog if you couldn't tell by the name), a cat, Dinah, a tarantula, Rose, and a stray type cat(long story, but his name is Blackie). We hadn't been looking to expand just yet, but if you have ever seen a baby bunny then you know that they are pretty much irresitable. Especially if you have all the equiment needed for them at home already.
The new bunnies were a distraction, but I still felt like I was emotionally running on empty. My mom's natropath suggested that I take liquid cayenne pepper to help stop the bleeding. If you know me you don't find it strange that I actually have liquid cayenne pepper at home and already and take it once a day. I increased the dosage and started taking it more often and as the late afternoon and evening progressed my bleeding began to slow down.
At this point my bleeding is much better, which in turn settles my emotions. Right now I am worn out and ready for bed. There have been good things in the midst of the emotional rollercoaster of this week. I will try to post again tomorrow and focus more on the bright side. I should feel more "bright" after some sleep.