Not my will, but your's be done.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008


I have a burden that I want to ask you to pray for. Even thought the Tres' diagnosis is still fatal, we plan on bringing our baby home. A living baby. We have not gotten that promise from God, but that is still what we are planning. I have repeatedly asked God to give me insight into what the final outcome of Tres' birth will bring. He hasn't yet shown me if my child is going to live or die, but He has told me that either way it will be good. I have peace about it, but I would still like to know what to expect.

Right now I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I may not know until the events actually unfold. This is proving to be disconcerting. Since we have mentally prepared and planned for a living baby, I am feeling the need to be fully prepared for that. The problem is that I don't know what to be prepared for. Boy or girl. Preemie tiny, or super preemie tiny, or just regular tiny. Fully healed or still facing some bumps in the road. All of the not know can be frustrating.

My mother-in-law, Jan, found a website that has all kind of preemie clothes and accessories. They have clothes for babies as small as 1-3lbs. They also have special clothing for babies that have to be in intensive care with special openings on the side for wires or tubes. I got online last night to look and was amazed at everything they have for the tiniest of babies.

After I got off the computer I got upset. This baby that I am having is a very special one and I want to be prepared for what ever he needs when he arrives. Not knowing when he will come, or what to expect when he does is emotionally wearing on me. I don't want to prepare for a sick baby, if God is going to fully heal. I don't want to have micro-preemie clothes, if he is going to be 7 pounds like my other two children. But on the other hand, I do not want to have a tiny sick child that I have nothing prepared for.

I know that the source of me being upset is not trusting God that everything will be taken care of somehow. I do know that He has told me that it will be good. I just have to trust him with all the aspects of that. The not not knowing is just difficult on my emotions.

I will have another ultrasound at 34 weeks(I am 30 now), and from that we should be able to get a good weight estimate. Hopefully after that we will be able to elimate the possibility of a micro-preemie and focus just on being prepared if he is a preemie.

Now, to totally change the subject, Krystal's mother. Her surgery went well and she is home now. She is still in a good deal of pain, so continue to pray for that. And they are also still waiting on her pathology reports to come in. Please pray that she will find out that she does not have to have chemo. I'll keep you updated on that.

Also, Josh got in a wreck yesterday evening. He is okay, but his truck is not. We found out that we aren't going to get any money from our insurance, so we are faced with some decisions regarding all of that.

I have a doctors appointment on tuesday so I will post after that. If something earth shattering happens over the next several days I will post that too.



Heather said...

still praying...

sweet jenn said...

You are incredible. The emotions you feel are that of anxious mother and I think God understands that. Try not to get down on yourself for being so worried. Of course, God expects us to trust Him but I also think he understands that as mothers we just instinctively worry about our children. And, now, you have extra worry since you have a different situation ahead of you. I have always been comforted by what my mother used to tell me, "God never gives us more than we can handle with His help". I know that's a pretty old saying but it stands true even now. We are praying for you and know that God will absolutely be glorified whatever the outcome. love you girl...xoxo...jenn

MamaJ said...

Don't get caught up worrying about tomorrow, girl. All you need are a few neutral onesies to make it through the first few days. Do you know how many people would jump to go buy baby clothes for this little one?! Plus, what would be more memorable, a beautiful nursery, or pictures of Mommy and Daddy holding a precious baby?

God also doesn't need our "help" figuring it out. When we would like all the specifics laid out RIGHT NOW, He often waits until later to tell us. It's so easy to micro-manage Him and tell Him exactly which miracle we would like, and could HE "please do it this way." But, He already has every single minute of Tres' life planned out, and they are all going to be special!

I love you, and I know exactly how hard it is to just WAIT for this to take place. Hang in there!

susan said...

Hi Jessica,
We will continue to pray as your due date draws closer. I miss you and your family! We had some interesting "moments" in Texarkana and New Boston! I will be seeing Marcy and Amy today and will share the information about your blog. May God give you peace and direction as you seek Him.