Not my will, but your's be done.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

4:00 am

I wasn't planning on posting tonight. It has been a long day. A good day, but a long one. I am tired and I have been much looking forward to the kids going to bed, taking a relaxing bath, and working on Tres' scrapbook while I watch Criminal Minds.

But....God happened. God has been too active in my life in the past couple of weeks for me not to write about it.

About a week ago I had an experience with God that I can only describe as amazing. I had been waking up at 4:30 in the morning for about 3 days. For years I have off and on been a restless sleeper. I usually don't have trouble falling asleep, I just tend to wake up many times during the night. I toss and turn, check the clock, and fall right back to sleep. So the fact that I was waking up several nights in a row was nothing unusual. The unusual part was that I was WIDE AWAKE, and all I could think to do is lay in bed and pray, mostly for Tres.

After several days of laying in bed wide awake praying for Tres at 4:30am, God began to speak to me that He wanted me to get up and pray the baby at this time. I told my husband that even though it might sound weird, I felt like God wanted me to get up at 4:30 and pray for Tres. He replyed,(he is the encourager, remember?) "That's not werid, that's awesome! Any time God tells you something specific it is awesome!"

So the following night as I went to bed I started to set me alarm for 4:30 so that I could get up and pray. I decided to turn it off and I asked God, "If you want me up at 4:30 in the morning, then wake me up and I am willing to do whatever you want me to do." My husband is a shift worker, so 4:00am is the time he gets up when he is working days. I am not a shift worker. The only time I get up at 4:00am is when I have a newborn that is still nursing during the night, and I call it getting up during the middle of the night to feed the baby. I do not consider 4:00 am a time that people get up by choice. Yet, I told God that I was willing to do whatever He was leading me to do.

I slept like a rock that night. A very peaceful rock, that is. I awoke at 3:57am. 3:57AM! "This can't be God", I told myself. I thought the deal was that if He woke me up at 4:30am that I was willing to get up and pray for the baby. 3:57 is not the same as 4:30. Not even close. When you are the mother of two young children every minute of sleep is precious. I decided that I was going to go back to sleep and if I woke back up at 4:30 then I would get up.

The problem was, I couldn't go back to sleep. Then I remembered the part of my prayer where I told God that I was willing to do whatever He lead me to do. So I sat up in bed at 4:15 and was thinking about where my early morning prayer meeting should take place. Sitting on the couch, sitting in the chair, kneeling on the floor. I'm not sure what the protocol is for a prayer meeting quite so early in the morning. I try to get up early, before the kids wake up and have my quiet time with the Lord. I have a specific chair I sit in. But 4:00 feels much earlier than 6:30am, so it felt like it needed a special spot. In the back of my mind I think what I was really doing while I was sitting in my bed contemplating where is was going to sit or kneel as I prayer was biding my time, hoping that I would start to feel sleepy and therefore that would be my sign that God had postponed our prayer meeting to a more sane hour of the day.

As I sat, still contemplating, I heard Luke yell, "Mama!" It didn't sound like he was crying, but his voice sounded extremely urgent. I jumped up and ran to his bed, only to find that he was sound asleep. Actually, he hadn't even moved a muscle since Josh had checked on him and straightened his covers.

It immediately hit me that it was God, and not Luke that had spoken to me. This is the first time in my life that I had heard audibly from the Lord. The Holy Spirit has spoken to me several times in my life where is was as clear as if it had been an audible voice. But I have never heard the Lord with my ears.

God showed me that I was in the middle of spiritual warefare and I needed to pray for not just Tres, but all of my children. The prayer time that followed, as I said earlier, could only be described as amazing. I prayed until the discouragement of satan left me, and God's peace filled me up. I proceeded to have a wonderful day. I felt less tired than usual, even though I had 2 1/2-3 fewer hours of sleep than I usually do. More and more God is proving to be actively involved in my life. His hand is on me. I feel it. And it brings such an indescribable peace. A supernatural peace.

My supernatural peace has continued with me. I had an appointment with Dr Cunningham yesterday. It was just a regular check up. I measured small, as I have been. At this point the size of my uterus is about 6 weeks behind where it should be. I have been feeling good. I have been have more contractions than I was previously having, (which was practically nothing), but not too much. So it is still something that neither Dr C or I am concerned about.

We discussed the delivery. There is no specific protocol for my situation since it is both rare and unpredictable. We are kinda playing things be ear and making them up as we go. She said that I need to get to the hospital earlier than I did with Ray because she thinks that this labor will progress faster than my previous one. This is partially because it is my third and partially because the baby is very small at this point. She doesn't want Tres trying to make his grand apperance before she gets there.

We talked about the possiblity of God healing Tres. She said that if we are going to be planning on a miracle that it might be better to deliver at a hospital with a neonatal intensive care unit(NICU). Our original labor and delivery plan has been that things would be as peaceful as possible. That Tres would immediately be given to Josh and I, and that we would get to spend time with him until he passes away. No poking, no proding, no interfering medically. The hospital that I intend on delivering at does not have a NICU. I had Luke and Ray at the same hospital in the same room. With both I had a great experience with the hospital, doctors, and nurses. I planned on continuing the tradition with Tres. Why change something that has worked so well before?

After discussing it, we decided that unless God heals and there is a major change in Tres' situation before I go in to labor that we will continue with what we have already planned. But, if God does heal Tres inutero that we will deliver at the hospital that is equipped with a very nice NICU.

The story continues. Today I got together with a new play group that I am a part of. Over lunch four of us were talking about babies and birthing and all those fun things that moms talk about when they get together. The conversation turned to my recent appointment with Dr Cunningham and it was mentioned about me having Tres at a hospital that has a NICU. Krystal, one of the moms that is quickly becoming a good friend, said,
"That's funny that you bring that up because I was praying about that this morning."

Uh, what?

She continued, "I haven't been sleeping good. I keep waking up at 4:00 in the morning and I can't go back to sleep, so I have really been praying for you and a couple of other people. This morning when I was praying for you I thought that maybe it would be best if you delivered at a hospital where there is a NICU."

Um, what did you say?! Wide awake and praying at 4:00 am!

She does not even realize how much God used her to bless me. The only people that I have told about my early morning meeting with the Lord was Josh and my mother-in-law. It was just one more way that God has shown Himself to be active in my life. I constantly stay amazed at his goodness and grace. Once again all I can say is that God is good. Amazingly good.


Heather said...

WOW!!! Thank you for sharing that wonderful testimony, Jessica!!! I have a story I need to tell you about, I will call you.

Heather said...

I just gotta add...
GOD IS SO GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!