I'll start off by saying that today has been a better day for me emotionally and physically. I guess you could say that today was an up compared to yesterday. The bleeding has slowed and I haven't had much cramps or contractions. That, along feeling more rested, has improved my outlook. As I said yesterday, there have been many good things that have happened over the past week. I guess that I was just too tired to focus on them yesterday.
At the top of my list of good things is that I am much more prepared for Tres' arrival than I was a week ago. I still had a long to-do list when all the complications started and that added to the stress of the situation. Wednesday morning I sat down and finally ordered Luke and Ray's big brother and big sister t-shirts. I was hoping that I would get them by this coming up Wednesday, but low and behold they showed up in my mail box Thursday afternoon! I was shocked! I had them shipped the slowest shipping. I figured that the baby is going to come when he is going to come whether the shirts are here or not. I was relieved to have them. They now hang ironed and ready in Ray's room.
Also on my list was to have something for the baby to wear. Since the baby was almost at the 3lb mark we are thinking/hoping that regular preemie clothes will fit. Heather loaned my her baby girl preemie clothes incase it is a girl, and my mother-in-law bought two cute boy outfits. I especially loved one of them. It was a blue gown with sea creatures on it. It didn't have a cap and it is next to impossible to find preemie caps by theirself for sale in the stores. So she ordered one to match the gown. Now I feel comforted knowing that I have something to put on him.
I fininshed making Tres' wreath today. It is green and brown to match his and Ray's room. Green and brown are also good colors when you aren't for sure if it is a boy or girl. But even if I knew for sure, the wreath probably would have still been green and brown. I went ahead and put our boy name on the wreath. I know that it was a little bit of a risk, but I figured if we get a surprise and it is a girl then we can just change it.
Tonight I plan on finishing a couple more pages in Tres' scrapbook. Of course I can't get it all done before he gets here. But I wanted to get as much done before his arrival as possible.
I organized the toy box and Ray and Tres' room. It has a divider so I put Tres' baby toys on one side, and Ray's toys on the other. That lasted about 15 minutes. Then Ray saw the baby toys and thought that they looked like much more fun than her semi-big girl toys. Oh well. Overall, the past few days have been very productive, in regards to being more prepared for Tres getting here.
Before I go I have a prayer request. I was talking to my friend, Jana, today. She was just checking on me and seeing how things were going and how I was feeling. We were talking about how if I didn't quit bleeding heavily then I would have to be induced at some point. She said that what she was praying for me is that I would go in to labor on my own before any of that had to happen. At first I was kind of taken aback. I don't want to go in to labor any time soon, and I was kind of offended that she would pray that for me knowing that I want to carry Tres as long as possible. I kind of told her that I wasn't real sure about that, because I don't want to go in to labor any time soon. After thinking about it for a minute, I realized that it was what I need to be praying too. Not necessarily that I will go in to labor any time soon, but that when the time is right I will go in to labor naturally and not have to be induced. The last time I was checked to see if I was in labor, I was not dialated, effaced and my cervix was still pretty firm. Therefore, my body is not ready to give up this baby. The problems lies in the fact that if I don't quit bleeding I just may have to have the baby. Ready, or not. So first and foremost my prayer is that the bleeding will stop(which it is much better today), but secondly I pray that if it doesn't that I will go in to labor on my own. I will feel alot less stressed going to the hospital knowing that my body is ready, not that I am having to have Tres because there is a problem with me.
Until we post again...
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
Ups and Downs
Today has been a difficult day. I started off the day feeling good. It seemed as thought the bleeding was continuing to subside, so I was happy about that. It didn't take long for it to start getting heavy again. By noon I was bleeding continuously like a heavy period. The cramping was back,(though not as bad as Wednesday), and I was feeling completely fatigued. I was beginning to wonder if I was losing too much blood. I want to be responsible for the sake of my family and my health. But I also know that if I go back to the hospital I most likely will not be coming home until I have had the baby.
I cried off and on all afternoon. I felt as though I was hanging in a delicate balance of trying to be responsible while trying to avoid what I wasn't ready to face. I recieved a very encouraging email from a friend urging me to not give up faith. But I the past few days I honestly feel like I don't have much left in me. I feel like giving up. For the first time since the beginning of all the problems with Tres I feel like I don't really have anything to say to God about it. I feel really guilty about admitting that to myself, let alone all of you. He has been so good to me and his hand has been so evident in my life the past few months. But for the first time I am upset with him. I am upset mainly because I have told God repeatedly that I have a peace about the outcome and if he thinks it is best to take my child to heaven with him then I am ok with that. It is not that I won't be sad. I will be completely devestated. But I just truly believe that God knows what is best. That hasn't stopped me from fervently prayer and believing that God CAN and possibly WILL heal Tres. I just told him that it was ok if he chose not to. I am angry because I feel like if God is going to take my child from me the least he could do is let me carry him as long as possible so that I can have as much time with him as I possibly can. I am trying to not but upset with him. But he is in control and he could change things. But he hasn't! I feel guilty for even feeling this way. I know that I am only human and God's ways are higher and better than my ways. But I just don't understand. I know that he is a big enough God to handle my doubts, anger, and frustration. But my frustration with God has robbed me of my peace. And my friend also reminded me that when you doubt you are giving Satan a foothold in your life, which is that last thing I want to do. I want to put my life back in his hands so that I can rest in his peace again.
Josh knew that I was having a rough day. So he took me and the kids to the feed store and let Luke and Ray pick out a bunny to bring home. For any of you that know us you know that we pretty much used to have a farm at our house. Over the past year and a half we have whittled our pets down to a dog, Pilot(it is Luke's dog if you couldn't tell by the name), a cat, Dinah, a tarantula, Rose, and a stray type cat(long story, but his name is Blackie). We hadn't been looking to expand just yet, but if you have ever seen a baby bunny then you know that they are pretty much irresitable. Especially if you have all the equiment needed for them at home already.
The new bunnies were a distraction, but I still felt like I was emotionally running on empty. My mom's natropath suggested that I take liquid cayenne pepper to help stop the bleeding. If you know me you don't find it strange that I actually have liquid cayenne pepper at home and already and take it once a day. I increased the dosage and started taking it more often and as the late afternoon and evening progressed my bleeding began to slow down.
At this point my bleeding is much better, which in turn settles my emotions. Right now I am worn out and ready for bed. There have been good things in the midst of the emotional rollercoaster of this week. I will try to post again tomorrow and focus more on the bright side. I should feel more "bright" after some sleep.
Goodnight.
I cried off and on all afternoon. I felt as though I was hanging in a delicate balance of trying to be responsible while trying to avoid what I wasn't ready to face. I recieved a very encouraging email from a friend urging me to not give up faith. But I the past few days I honestly feel like I don't have much left in me. I feel like giving up. For the first time since the beginning of all the problems with Tres I feel like I don't really have anything to say to God about it. I feel really guilty about admitting that to myself, let alone all of you. He has been so good to me and his hand has been so evident in my life the past few months. But for the first time I am upset with him. I am upset mainly because I have told God repeatedly that I have a peace about the outcome and if he thinks it is best to take my child to heaven with him then I am ok with that. It is not that I won't be sad. I will be completely devestated. But I just truly believe that God knows what is best. That hasn't stopped me from fervently prayer and believing that God CAN and possibly WILL heal Tres. I just told him that it was ok if he chose not to. I am angry because I feel like if God is going to take my child from me the least he could do is let me carry him as long as possible so that I can have as much time with him as I possibly can. I am trying to not but upset with him. But he is in control and he could change things. But he hasn't! I feel guilty for even feeling this way. I know that I am only human and God's ways are higher and better than my ways. But I just don't understand. I know that he is a big enough God to handle my doubts, anger, and frustration. But my frustration with God has robbed me of my peace. And my friend also reminded me that when you doubt you are giving Satan a foothold in your life, which is that last thing I want to do. I want to put my life back in his hands so that I can rest in his peace again.
Josh knew that I was having a rough day. So he took me and the kids to the feed store and let Luke and Ray pick out a bunny to bring home. For any of you that know us you know that we pretty much used to have a farm at our house. Over the past year and a half we have whittled our pets down to a dog, Pilot(it is Luke's dog if you couldn't tell by the name), a cat, Dinah, a tarantula, Rose, and a stray type cat(long story, but his name is Blackie). We hadn't been looking to expand just yet, but if you have ever seen a baby bunny then you know that they are pretty much irresitable. Especially if you have all the equiment needed for them at home already.
The new bunnies were a distraction, but I still felt like I was emotionally running on empty. My mom's natropath suggested that I take liquid cayenne pepper to help stop the bleeding. If you know me you don't find it strange that I actually have liquid cayenne pepper at home and already and take it once a day. I increased the dosage and started taking it more often and as the late afternoon and evening progressed my bleeding began to slow down.
At this point my bleeding is much better, which in turn settles my emotions. Right now I am worn out and ready for bed. There have been good things in the midst of the emotional rollercoaster of this week. I will try to post again tomorrow and focus more on the bright side. I should feel more "bright" after some sleep.
Goodnight.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Big Scare
It has taken me until today to feel emotionally and physically up to posting the events of the past few days. But when I woke up today feeling like a million bucks compared to the previous days, I knew I was up to it.
Monday we had been having a relaxing Memorial Day. Josh was off from work so we had spent the morning swimming at my grandparent's house. We had been invited to a get together with a group of our friends from church, so that is how we planned on spending our late afternoon and evening. When Ray woke up from her nap we loaded up and headed out. We were about two miles down the road when I realized that I had forgotten Luke's swimsuit. We made a U-turn and headed home. I suddenly began bleeding very heavily.
By the time we pulled up in the driveway and I got out of the car the seat was soaked with blood. Not to mention my jeans down to the knees. I ran straight to the bathroom not knowing what to do, but trying to hide from the kids to keep from scaring them with all the blood, and to prevent a further mess. My mind was reeling. I sat there not even knowing what to do. The only thing I knew to do was get to the hospital . Josh called his mom and she came over immediately.
After a bit the heavy bleeding subsided. I got cleaned up and dressed and began pacing the house not knowing what our next step was. I was not prepared for this. I was convinced that something major was wrong and I would have to have the baby that day. I didn't have anything ready. No bags packed. Not lists of who to call, what to do with the dog and cats, and most importantly, no real plan for what to do with the kids. Luke saw blood on the towels and thought I had a bloody nose. I had to explain to him that we were going to the hospital and that we might have to stay for awhile.
He asked if the baby was still sick, and, for lack of a better explaination, I said yes. He got a worried look on his face and asked if the baby was making me sick too. I assured him that I wasn't sick, but that it might be time for the baby to be born.
Luke looked up at me and said, "Does the baby have his kidneys yet?"
"No," I replyed.
"When is he going to get them?", he asked.
"I don't know. He may not get them. We just have to pray and then wait and see."
He got even more serious and said, "Maybe God wants the baby to die."
I didn't have a good response for that. I just told him that maybe God wants the baby to be in heaven with him.
Josh's mom arrived in no time and we headed for the hospital. When we got to the hospital we were able to park pretty close to the entrance. We were halfway between the car and the front door when the bleeding started again. I just stood there, blood going everywhere. Down my leg, into my flip flop, and onto the ground. Josh took off running looking for someone to help or a wheelchair. I stood there frozen, again not knowing what I should do. After a few moments aI hobbled to the door, slipping around in my flip flop as I tried to walk. After what seemed like a very long time and alot of stares, someone arrived with a wheelchair.
They wheeled me straight up to a room, (which just happened to be the same room that I had Luke and Ray in). After getting cleaned up and finding myself in familiar surroundings, I relaxed a little bit.
They first did an ultrasound to try to determine the source of the bleeding. Since there is no amniotic fluid it is hard to see anything clearly. After alot of looking the tech said that the placenta looked good, which is a really good thing since a problem with the placenta would put the baby in danger. The ultrasound also estimated the baby's weight to be 2lb 12oz, give or take 6 oz. I was happy to hear that because I was unsure if the baby had even reached the 2lb mark. Small victory. The only negative discovery was that Tres was laying transverse(sideways). The transverse position makes a c-section be the only possible means of delivery. At that point it didn't bother me that much. The baby was stable and bigger than we thought and my bleeding had slowed down.
After about 5 hours I was able to go home on bed rest until I had an office visit with Dr. Cunningham. While I was in the hospital I was surrounded by supportive family member. Josh's parents, his brother, Brock, and his wife, Meagan, my mom, and Josh, of course. After I had my ultrasound and the initial tension was relived, Josh's parents went home and got all the cook out goodies that they had been preparing when all the drama started. We ended up having our Memorial Day celebration in my hospital room.
AFTER I had eaten a plate full of food and a glass of tea the nurse told me that I wasn't supposed to be eating or drinking anything just incase I had to have a c-section that night. Ooops.
The following afternoon,(Tuesday), I had an appointment with Dr C. I had the bad luck of bleeding all over the table while waiting for her to come into my room. We discussed the bleeding I was still having and she said that she thought that it would be best to go ahead and have the baby this week. This was very upsetting news. I told her that I wanted to do anything possible to prolong this pregnancy as long as possible.
We worked out a deal. It consisted of us cancelling our vacation which is scheduled for next week. I also had to take it easy at home and go back to the hospital if the bleeding got really heavy again. I could live with that. I was willing to do whatever I could to carry Tres as long as possible.
During my visit Dr C did an ultrasound and found a clot of blood. She estimated the clot to be about the size of a silver dollar. She also said that the baby was laying more breech than transverse now. Kind of at an angle with the feet first. That was good news.
As soon as we got home my doctors appointment I had another heavy bleed that, for the third time, got all over me and down the leg of my pants. Things did not seem to be going my way.
Wednesday was a very hard day, emotionally and physically. Not only was I still bleed continuously and fairly heavy, I was having alot of contractions and some very painful cramping. I kept thinking, "It is going to be soon. Very soon."
By the late afternoon the bleeding seemed to get a little heavier and Josh and I discussed what we should do. We decided to hold out a little longer and see what happened. We kept thinking that if I could just pass that clot that maybe the bleeding would stop.
Finally at about 6:30 I passed a clot pretty much exactly the size Dr C had estimated, (isn't she great?) Josh and I were very excited. We were hoping that this was the beginning of the end. And it was. The bleeding continued, but the cramps and contractions were almost immediately better.
I woke up today feeling great. The bleeding is still continuous, but much lighter. The cramping is much much better, as are the contractions. Therefore, my spirits are high.
Once again, we have been incredibly blessed. We have been surrounded by family and friends that have been loving, praying, and caring for us. I honestly could not ask for more supportive people in my life.
I will update soon. Until then,
Jessica
Monday we had been having a relaxing Memorial Day. Josh was off from work so we had spent the morning swimming at my grandparent's house. We had been invited to a get together with a group of our friends from church, so that is how we planned on spending our late afternoon and evening. When Ray woke up from her nap we loaded up and headed out. We were about two miles down the road when I realized that I had forgotten Luke's swimsuit. We made a U-turn and headed home. I suddenly began bleeding very heavily.
By the time we pulled up in the driveway and I got out of the car the seat was soaked with blood. Not to mention my jeans down to the knees. I ran straight to the bathroom not knowing what to do, but trying to hide from the kids to keep from scaring them with all the blood, and to prevent a further mess. My mind was reeling. I sat there not even knowing what to do. The only thing I knew to do was get to the hospital . Josh called his mom and she came over immediately.
After a bit the heavy bleeding subsided. I got cleaned up and dressed and began pacing the house not knowing what our next step was. I was not prepared for this. I was convinced that something major was wrong and I would have to have the baby that day. I didn't have anything ready. No bags packed. Not lists of who to call, what to do with the dog and cats, and most importantly, no real plan for what to do with the kids. Luke saw blood on the towels and thought I had a bloody nose. I had to explain to him that we were going to the hospital and that we might have to stay for awhile.
He asked if the baby was still sick, and, for lack of a better explaination, I said yes. He got a worried look on his face and asked if the baby was making me sick too. I assured him that I wasn't sick, but that it might be time for the baby to be born.
Luke looked up at me and said, "Does the baby have his kidneys yet?"
"No," I replyed.
"When is he going to get them?", he asked.
"I don't know. He may not get them. We just have to pray and then wait and see."
He got even more serious and said, "Maybe God wants the baby to die."
I didn't have a good response for that. I just told him that maybe God wants the baby to be in heaven with him.
Josh's mom arrived in no time and we headed for the hospital. When we got to the hospital we were able to park pretty close to the entrance. We were halfway between the car and the front door when the bleeding started again. I just stood there, blood going everywhere. Down my leg, into my flip flop, and onto the ground. Josh took off running looking for someone to help or a wheelchair. I stood there frozen, again not knowing what I should do. After a few moments aI hobbled to the door, slipping around in my flip flop as I tried to walk. After what seemed like a very long time and alot of stares, someone arrived with a wheelchair.
They wheeled me straight up to a room, (which just happened to be the same room that I had Luke and Ray in). After getting cleaned up and finding myself in familiar surroundings, I relaxed a little bit.
They first did an ultrasound to try to determine the source of the bleeding. Since there is no amniotic fluid it is hard to see anything clearly. After alot of looking the tech said that the placenta looked good, which is a really good thing since a problem with the placenta would put the baby in danger. The ultrasound also estimated the baby's weight to be 2lb 12oz, give or take 6 oz. I was happy to hear that because I was unsure if the baby had even reached the 2lb mark. Small victory. The only negative discovery was that Tres was laying transverse(sideways). The transverse position makes a c-section be the only possible means of delivery. At that point it didn't bother me that much. The baby was stable and bigger than we thought and my bleeding had slowed down.
After about 5 hours I was able to go home on bed rest until I had an office visit with Dr. Cunningham. While I was in the hospital I was surrounded by supportive family member. Josh's parents, his brother, Brock, and his wife, Meagan, my mom, and Josh, of course. After I had my ultrasound and the initial tension was relived, Josh's parents went home and got all the cook out goodies that they had been preparing when all the drama started. We ended up having our Memorial Day celebration in my hospital room.
AFTER I had eaten a plate full of food and a glass of tea the nurse told me that I wasn't supposed to be eating or drinking anything just incase I had to have a c-section that night. Ooops.
The following afternoon,(Tuesday), I had an appointment with Dr C. I had the bad luck of bleeding all over the table while waiting for her to come into my room. We discussed the bleeding I was still having and she said that she thought that it would be best to go ahead and have the baby this week. This was very upsetting news. I told her that I wanted to do anything possible to prolong this pregnancy as long as possible.
We worked out a deal. It consisted of us cancelling our vacation which is scheduled for next week. I also had to take it easy at home and go back to the hospital if the bleeding got really heavy again. I could live with that. I was willing to do whatever I could to carry Tres as long as possible.
During my visit Dr C did an ultrasound and found a clot of blood. She estimated the clot to be about the size of a silver dollar. She also said that the baby was laying more breech than transverse now. Kind of at an angle with the feet first. That was good news.
As soon as we got home my doctors appointment I had another heavy bleed that, for the third time, got all over me and down the leg of my pants. Things did not seem to be going my way.
Wednesday was a very hard day, emotionally and physically. Not only was I still bleed continuously and fairly heavy, I was having alot of contractions and some very painful cramping. I kept thinking, "It is going to be soon. Very soon."
By the late afternoon the bleeding seemed to get a little heavier and Josh and I discussed what we should do. We decided to hold out a little longer and see what happened. We kept thinking that if I could just pass that clot that maybe the bleeding would stop.
Finally at about 6:30 I passed a clot pretty much exactly the size Dr C had estimated, (isn't she great?) Josh and I were very excited. We were hoping that this was the beginning of the end. And it was. The bleeding continued, but the cramps and contractions were almost immediately better.
I woke up today feeling great. The bleeding is still continuous, but much lighter. The cramping is much much better, as are the contractions. Therefore, my spirits are high.
Once again, we have been incredibly blessed. We have been surrounded by family and friends that have been loving, praying, and caring for us. I honestly could not ask for more supportive people in my life.
I will update soon. Until then,
Jessica
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Delima
I have a burden that I want to ask you to pray for. Even thought the Tres' diagnosis is still fatal, we plan on bringing our baby home. A living baby. We have not gotten that promise from God, but that is still what we are planning. I have repeatedly asked God to give me insight into what the final outcome of Tres' birth will bring. He hasn't yet shown me if my child is going to live or die, but He has told me that either way it will be good. I have peace about it, but I would still like to know what to expect.
Right now I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I may not know until the events actually unfold. This is proving to be disconcerting. Since we have mentally prepared and planned for a living baby, I am feeling the need to be fully prepared for that. The problem is that I don't know what to be prepared for. Boy or girl. Preemie tiny, or super preemie tiny, or just regular tiny. Fully healed or still facing some bumps in the road. All of the not know can be frustrating.
My mother-in-law, Jan, found a website that has all kind of preemie clothes and accessories. They have clothes for babies as small as 1-3lbs. They also have special clothing for babies that have to be in intensive care with special openings on the side for wires or tubes. I got online last night to look and was amazed at everything they have for the tiniest of babies.
After I got off the computer I got upset. This baby that I am having is a very special one and I want to be prepared for what ever he needs when he arrives. Not knowing when he will come, or what to expect when he does is emotionally wearing on me. I don't want to prepare for a sick baby, if God is going to fully heal. I don't want to have micro-preemie clothes, if he is going to be 7 pounds like my other two children. But on the other hand, I do not want to have a tiny sick child that I have nothing prepared for.
I know that the source of me being upset is not trusting God that everything will be taken care of somehow. I do know that He has told me that it will be good. I just have to trust him with all the aspects of that. The not not knowing is just difficult on my emotions.
I will have another ultrasound at 34 weeks(I am 30 now), and from that we should be able to get a good weight estimate. Hopefully after that we will be able to elimate the possibility of a micro-preemie and focus just on being prepared if he is a preemie.
Now, to totally change the subject, Krystal's mother. Her surgery went well and she is home now. She is still in a good deal of pain, so continue to pray for that. And they are also still waiting on her pathology reports to come in. Please pray that she will find out that she does not have to have chemo. I'll keep you updated on that.
Also, Josh got in a wreck yesterday evening. He is okay, but his truck is not. We found out that we aren't going to get any money from our insurance, so we are faced with some decisions regarding all of that.
I have a doctors appointment on tuesday so I will post after that. If something earth shattering happens over the next several days I will post that too.
Jessica
Right now I am trying to come to terms with the fact that I may not know until the events actually unfold. This is proving to be disconcerting. Since we have mentally prepared and planned for a living baby, I am feeling the need to be fully prepared for that. The problem is that I don't know what to be prepared for. Boy or girl. Preemie tiny, or super preemie tiny, or just regular tiny. Fully healed or still facing some bumps in the road. All of the not know can be frustrating.
My mother-in-law, Jan, found a website that has all kind of preemie clothes and accessories. They have clothes for babies as small as 1-3lbs. They also have special clothing for babies that have to be in intensive care with special openings on the side for wires or tubes. I got online last night to look and was amazed at everything they have for the tiniest of babies.
After I got off the computer I got upset. This baby that I am having is a very special one and I want to be prepared for what ever he needs when he arrives. Not knowing when he will come, or what to expect when he does is emotionally wearing on me. I don't want to prepare for a sick baby, if God is going to fully heal. I don't want to have micro-preemie clothes, if he is going to be 7 pounds like my other two children. But on the other hand, I do not want to have a tiny sick child that I have nothing prepared for.
I know that the source of me being upset is not trusting God that everything will be taken care of somehow. I do know that He has told me that it will be good. I just have to trust him with all the aspects of that. The not not knowing is just difficult on my emotions.
I will have another ultrasound at 34 weeks(I am 30 now), and from that we should be able to get a good weight estimate. Hopefully after that we will be able to elimate the possibility of a micro-preemie and focus just on being prepared if he is a preemie.
Now, to totally change the subject, Krystal's mother. Her surgery went well and she is home now. She is still in a good deal of pain, so continue to pray for that. And they are also still waiting on her pathology reports to come in. Please pray that she will find out that she does not have to have chemo. I'll keep you updated on that.
Also, Josh got in a wreck yesterday evening. He is okay, but his truck is not. We found out that we aren't going to get any money from our insurance, so we are faced with some decisions regarding all of that.
I have a doctors appointment on tuesday so I will post after that. If something earth shattering happens over the next several days I will post that too.
Jessica
Monday, May 19, 2008
He Shows Himself Active
"Since ancient times no one has heard, no ear has perceived, no eye has seen any God besides you, who acts on behalf of those who wait for him."
-Isaiah 64:4
God has continued to show himself active, not only in my life and situation, but also in the lives of those around me. Last Wednesday, not long after my last post my friend, Heather, called me. She had been crying. This is one of the many things I love about Heather. Not that she cries, but that she is so tender hearted. She is truly one of the sweetest and tender hearted people I know. She told me that she had just read my "4:00 am" post where I told about my early morning experience with the Lord and Krystal waking up early also and praying. She was crying because the morning before she too had an early morning prayer time. She uncaracteristically woke up in the early morning hours and couldn't go back to sleep. So she decided to get up...and pray. The first thing felt lead to pray for was for Tres. Her prayer time evolved into an awesome quiet time with the Lord, and continued into an awesome day.
My heart swelled. The Lord was once again showing Himself active. We talked about how amazing the Lord is and how easy it is to miss His hand in your life if you aren't looking for it or allowing Him to show himself.
This afternoon I was praying while I was at Luke's baseball game. Luke was in the dugout and he was thirsty. I had forgotten the bottled water in the car and was walking to get it for him. Enjoying the 60 seconds of quiet I began talking to the Lord as I walked. I found the words spilling out and I told the Lord that I was so thankful for the problems that we are facing with Tres. As I continued to tell Him why I was so thankful I almost stopped dead in my tracks. The reality of what I had just said hit me. I had just told the Lord that I was honestly thankful that He had allowed my unborn child to have a fatal birth defect. I couldn't believe my own ears. What was even more shocking was that I actually meant it! Throughout this entire ordeal there have been many things that I have been thankful for. The list has been almost unending. But not once have I felt thankful that God allowed this situation in the first place. That is why I was so shocked that my honest feelings about God allowing this to happen was thankfulness.
I am thankful because through this I have learning what it means to walk by faith daily. I have experience extreme peace about Tres' condition and the outcome regarding it. That peace has spilled over in to other aspects of my life where I did not previously have peace. It has caused me to trust the Lord and His plan for my life wholeheartedly. It has shown me what it is like to be carried by the prayers of others. It has opened my eyes to how many people I have in my life that truly care for me. And it has given me a greater respect for those that pray for others and carry the burdens of their brothers and sisters in Christ.
All of these things, any many more, are why I can honestly tell the Lord that I am thankful that He has allowed this valley in my life. I am walking through the valley. But I am not afraid. Not only am I not afraid, but this valley has turned in to more of a mountain top experience than a valley. We still do not know the final outcome. But I do know that God is at work and He isn't finished yet.
-Isaiah 64:4
God has continued to show himself active, not only in my life and situation, but also in the lives of those around me. Last Wednesday, not long after my last post my friend, Heather, called me. She had been crying. This is one of the many things I love about Heather. Not that she cries, but that she is so tender hearted. She is truly one of the sweetest and tender hearted people I know. She told me that she had just read my "4:00 am" post where I told about my early morning experience with the Lord and Krystal waking up early also and praying. She was crying because the morning before she too had an early morning prayer time. She uncaracteristically woke up in the early morning hours and couldn't go back to sleep. So she decided to get up...and pray. The first thing felt lead to pray for was for Tres. Her prayer time evolved into an awesome quiet time with the Lord, and continued into an awesome day.
My heart swelled. The Lord was once again showing Himself active. We talked about how amazing the Lord is and how easy it is to miss His hand in your life if you aren't looking for it or allowing Him to show himself.
This afternoon I was praying while I was at Luke's baseball game. Luke was in the dugout and he was thirsty. I had forgotten the bottled water in the car and was walking to get it for him. Enjoying the 60 seconds of quiet I began talking to the Lord as I walked. I found the words spilling out and I told the Lord that I was so thankful for the problems that we are facing with Tres. As I continued to tell Him why I was so thankful I almost stopped dead in my tracks. The reality of what I had just said hit me. I had just told the Lord that I was honestly thankful that He had allowed my unborn child to have a fatal birth defect. I couldn't believe my own ears. What was even more shocking was that I actually meant it! Throughout this entire ordeal there have been many things that I have been thankful for. The list has been almost unending. But not once have I felt thankful that God allowed this situation in the first place. That is why I was so shocked that my honest feelings about God allowing this to happen was thankfulness.
I am thankful because through this I have learning what it means to walk by faith daily. I have experience extreme peace about Tres' condition and the outcome regarding it. That peace has spilled over in to other aspects of my life where I did not previously have peace. It has caused me to trust the Lord and His plan for my life wholeheartedly. It has shown me what it is like to be carried by the prayers of others. It has opened my eyes to how many people I have in my life that truly care for me. And it has given me a greater respect for those that pray for others and carry the burdens of their brothers and sisters in Christ.
All of these things, any many more, are why I can honestly tell the Lord that I am thankful that He has allowed this valley in my life. I am walking through the valley. But I am not afraid. Not only am I not afraid, but this valley has turned in to more of a mountain top experience than a valley. We still do not know the final outcome. But I do know that God is at work and He isn't finished yet.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
It's a girl!
I hope the title of this post didn't throw you off too much. No, we still don't know what Tres is for sure, but my sister, Hannah, just found out that she is having a girl! We are all very excited. She has wanted a girl with all three of her previous pregnancies....and now she is finally getting one! One by one as she told people the news we all had the same response, "Are you sure?" She had the same question for the doctor, and the doctor said she was sure. I think that Hannah is still in shock, as are the rest of us. Her specialist said that everything looked normal and that baby looked good. So we are all estatic about the healthy baby girl.
Hannah's ulcerative colitis is doing much better, but her blood sugar is still out of sorts. Continue to keep her and her little girl, (that doesn't have a name just yet), in your prayers.
Also, I would like to ask you to pray for a friend and her mother. Krystal's mother,(Krystal is my friend who I mentioned in yesterday's post) has breast cancer and will be undergoing extensive surgery tomorrow. This is a quote from a prayer request that Krystal sent out.
"also, please just continue to pray. we have not given up hope for a completely miraculous healing, but we are also believing and trusting that God is in control, and he will work all things together for good. we are still not sure if she will have to undergo the 12 weeks of chemo, so keep that in your thoughts. also, the recovery period for her surgery is supposed to be 6 weeks, so pray that it will go smoothly and quickly and that mom will have to wisdom to know what to do and not to do so that her body can fully recover."
As you pray for her mother, pray also for Krystal. She will be doing alot of traveling back and forth in the next several weeks and months. She has a 17 month old daughter and is about 17 weeks pregnant with her 2nd, so her plate is pretty full already. Pray for God's peace as she deals with this difficult time with her mother, and also pray for traveling safety.
Thanks again to the prayer warriors. I know that you will lift up these requests as you have continually done the requests I have layed before you in the past.
Grace and Peace.
Hannah's ulcerative colitis is doing much better, but her blood sugar is still out of sorts. Continue to keep her and her little girl, (that doesn't have a name just yet), in your prayers.
Also, I would like to ask you to pray for a friend and her mother. Krystal's mother,(Krystal is my friend who I mentioned in yesterday's post) has breast cancer and will be undergoing extensive surgery tomorrow. This is a quote from a prayer request that Krystal sent out.
"also, please just continue to pray. we have not given up hope for a completely miraculous healing, but we are also believing and trusting that God is in control, and he will work all things together for good. we are still not sure if she will have to undergo the 12 weeks of chemo, so keep that in your thoughts. also, the recovery period for her surgery is supposed to be 6 weeks, so pray that it will go smoothly and quickly and that mom will have to wisdom to know what to do and not to do so that her body can fully recover."
As you pray for her mother, pray also for Krystal. She will be doing alot of traveling back and forth in the next several weeks and months. She has a 17 month old daughter and is about 17 weeks pregnant with her 2nd, so her plate is pretty full already. Pray for God's peace as she deals with this difficult time with her mother, and also pray for traveling safety.
Thanks again to the prayer warriors. I know that you will lift up these requests as you have continually done the requests I have layed before you in the past.
Grace and Peace.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
4:00 am
I wasn't planning on posting tonight. It has been a long day. A good day, but a long one. I am tired and I have been much looking forward to the kids going to bed, taking a relaxing bath, and working on Tres' scrapbook while I watch Criminal Minds.
But....God happened. God has been too active in my life in the past couple of weeks for me not to write about it.
About a week ago I had an experience with God that I can only describe as amazing. I had been waking up at 4:30 in the morning for about 3 days. For years I have off and on been a restless sleeper. I usually don't have trouble falling asleep, I just tend to wake up many times during the night. I toss and turn, check the clock, and fall right back to sleep. So the fact that I was waking up several nights in a row was nothing unusual. The unusual part was that I was WIDE AWAKE, and all I could think to do is lay in bed and pray, mostly for Tres.
After several days of laying in bed wide awake praying for Tres at 4:30am, God began to speak to me that He wanted me to get up and pray the baby at this time. I told my husband that even though it might sound weird, I felt like God wanted me to get up at 4:30 and pray for Tres. He replyed,(he is the encourager, remember?) "That's not werid, that's awesome! Any time God tells you something specific it is awesome!"
So the following night as I went to bed I started to set me alarm for 4:30 so that I could get up and pray. I decided to turn it off and I asked God, "If you want me up at 4:30 in the morning, then wake me up and I am willing to do whatever you want me to do." My husband is a shift worker, so 4:00am is the time he gets up when he is working days. I am not a shift worker. The only time I get up at 4:00am is when I have a newborn that is still nursing during the night, and I call it getting up during the middle of the night to feed the baby. I do not consider 4:00 am a time that people get up by choice. Yet, I told God that I was willing to do whatever He was leading me to do.
I slept like a rock that night. A very peaceful rock, that is. I awoke at 3:57am. 3:57AM! "This can't be God", I told myself. I thought the deal was that if He woke me up at 4:30am that I was willing to get up and pray for the baby. 3:57 is not the same as 4:30. Not even close. When you are the mother of two young children every minute of sleep is precious. I decided that I was going to go back to sleep and if I woke back up at 4:30 then I would get up.
The problem was, I couldn't go back to sleep. Then I remembered the part of my prayer where I told God that I was willing to do whatever He lead me to do. So I sat up in bed at 4:15 and was thinking about where my early morning prayer meeting should take place. Sitting on the couch, sitting in the chair, kneeling on the floor. I'm not sure what the protocol is for a prayer meeting quite so early in the morning. I try to get up early, before the kids wake up and have my quiet time with the Lord. I have a specific chair I sit in. But 4:00 feels much earlier than 6:30am, so it felt like it needed a special spot. In the back of my mind I think what I was really doing while I was sitting in my bed contemplating where is was going to sit or kneel as I prayer was biding my time, hoping that I would start to feel sleepy and therefore that would be my sign that God had postponed our prayer meeting to a more sane hour of the day.
As I sat, still contemplating, I heard Luke yell, "Mama!" It didn't sound like he was crying, but his voice sounded extremely urgent. I jumped up and ran to his bed, only to find that he was sound asleep. Actually, he hadn't even moved a muscle since Josh had checked on him and straightened his covers.
It immediately hit me that it was God, and not Luke that had spoken to me. This is the first time in my life that I had heard audibly from the Lord. The Holy Spirit has spoken to me several times in my life where is was as clear as if it had been an audible voice. But I have never heard the Lord with my ears.
God showed me that I was in the middle of spiritual warefare and I needed to pray for not just Tres, but all of my children. The prayer time that followed, as I said earlier, could only be described as amazing. I prayed until the discouragement of satan left me, and God's peace filled me up. I proceeded to have a wonderful day. I felt less tired than usual, even though I had 2 1/2-3 fewer hours of sleep than I usually do. More and more God is proving to be actively involved in my life. His hand is on me. I feel it. And it brings such an indescribable peace. A supernatural peace.
My supernatural peace has continued with me. I had an appointment with Dr Cunningham yesterday. It was just a regular check up. I measured small, as I have been. At this point the size of my uterus is about 6 weeks behind where it should be. I have been feeling good. I have been have more contractions than I was previously having, (which was practically nothing), but not too much. So it is still something that neither Dr C or I am concerned about.
We discussed the delivery. There is no specific protocol for my situation since it is both rare and unpredictable. We are kinda playing things be ear and making them up as we go. She said that I need to get to the hospital earlier than I did with Ray because she thinks that this labor will progress faster than my previous one. This is partially because it is my third and partially because the baby is very small at this point. She doesn't want Tres trying to make his grand apperance before she gets there.
We talked about the possiblity of God healing Tres. She said that if we are going to be planning on a miracle that it might be better to deliver at a hospital with a neonatal intensive care unit(NICU). Our original labor and delivery plan has been that things would be as peaceful as possible. That Tres would immediately be given to Josh and I, and that we would get to spend time with him until he passes away. No poking, no proding, no interfering medically. The hospital that I intend on delivering at does not have a NICU. I had Luke and Ray at the same hospital in the same room. With both I had a great experience with the hospital, doctors, and nurses. I planned on continuing the tradition with Tres. Why change something that has worked so well before?
After discussing it, we decided that unless God heals and there is a major change in Tres' situation before I go in to labor that we will continue with what we have already planned. But, if God does heal Tres inutero that we will deliver at the hospital that is equipped with a very nice NICU.
The story continues. Today I got together with a new play group that I am a part of. Over lunch four of us were talking about babies and birthing and all those fun things that moms talk about when they get together. The conversation turned to my recent appointment with Dr Cunningham and it was mentioned about me having Tres at a hospital that has a NICU. Krystal, one of the moms that is quickly becoming a good friend, said,
"That's funny that you bring that up because I was praying about that this morning."
Uh, what?
She continued, "I haven't been sleeping good. I keep waking up at 4:00 in the morning and I can't go back to sleep, so I have really been praying for you and a couple of other people. This morning when I was praying for you I thought that maybe it would be best if you delivered at a hospital where there is a NICU."
Um, what did you say?! Wide awake and praying at 4:00 am!
She does not even realize how much God used her to bless me. The only people that I have told about my early morning meeting with the Lord was Josh and my mother-in-law. It was just one more way that God has shown Himself to be active in my life. I constantly stay amazed at his goodness and grace. Once again all I can say is that God is good. Amazingly good.
But....God happened. God has been too active in my life in the past couple of weeks for me not to write about it.
About a week ago I had an experience with God that I can only describe as amazing. I had been waking up at 4:30 in the morning for about 3 days. For years I have off and on been a restless sleeper. I usually don't have trouble falling asleep, I just tend to wake up many times during the night. I toss and turn, check the clock, and fall right back to sleep. So the fact that I was waking up several nights in a row was nothing unusual. The unusual part was that I was WIDE AWAKE, and all I could think to do is lay in bed and pray, mostly for Tres.
After several days of laying in bed wide awake praying for Tres at 4:30am, God began to speak to me that He wanted me to get up and pray the baby at this time. I told my husband that even though it might sound weird, I felt like God wanted me to get up at 4:30 and pray for Tres. He replyed,(he is the encourager, remember?) "That's not werid, that's awesome! Any time God tells you something specific it is awesome!"
So the following night as I went to bed I started to set me alarm for 4:30 so that I could get up and pray. I decided to turn it off and I asked God, "If you want me up at 4:30 in the morning, then wake me up and I am willing to do whatever you want me to do." My husband is a shift worker, so 4:00am is the time he gets up when he is working days. I am not a shift worker. The only time I get up at 4:00am is when I have a newborn that is still nursing during the night, and I call it getting up during the middle of the night to feed the baby. I do not consider 4:00 am a time that people get up by choice. Yet, I told God that I was willing to do whatever He was leading me to do.
I slept like a rock that night. A very peaceful rock, that is. I awoke at 3:57am. 3:57AM! "This can't be God", I told myself. I thought the deal was that if He woke me up at 4:30am that I was willing to get up and pray for the baby. 3:57 is not the same as 4:30. Not even close. When you are the mother of two young children every minute of sleep is precious. I decided that I was going to go back to sleep and if I woke back up at 4:30 then I would get up.
The problem was, I couldn't go back to sleep. Then I remembered the part of my prayer where I told God that I was willing to do whatever He lead me to do. So I sat up in bed at 4:15 and was thinking about where my early morning prayer meeting should take place. Sitting on the couch, sitting in the chair, kneeling on the floor. I'm not sure what the protocol is for a prayer meeting quite so early in the morning. I try to get up early, before the kids wake up and have my quiet time with the Lord. I have a specific chair I sit in. But 4:00 feels much earlier than 6:30am, so it felt like it needed a special spot. In the back of my mind I think what I was really doing while I was sitting in my bed contemplating where is was going to sit or kneel as I prayer was biding my time, hoping that I would start to feel sleepy and therefore that would be my sign that God had postponed our prayer meeting to a more sane hour of the day.
As I sat, still contemplating, I heard Luke yell, "Mama!" It didn't sound like he was crying, but his voice sounded extremely urgent. I jumped up and ran to his bed, only to find that he was sound asleep. Actually, he hadn't even moved a muscle since Josh had checked on him and straightened his covers.
It immediately hit me that it was God, and not Luke that had spoken to me. This is the first time in my life that I had heard audibly from the Lord. The Holy Spirit has spoken to me several times in my life where is was as clear as if it had been an audible voice. But I have never heard the Lord with my ears.
God showed me that I was in the middle of spiritual warefare and I needed to pray for not just Tres, but all of my children. The prayer time that followed, as I said earlier, could only be described as amazing. I prayed until the discouragement of satan left me, and God's peace filled me up. I proceeded to have a wonderful day. I felt less tired than usual, even though I had 2 1/2-3 fewer hours of sleep than I usually do. More and more God is proving to be actively involved in my life. His hand is on me. I feel it. And it brings such an indescribable peace. A supernatural peace.
My supernatural peace has continued with me. I had an appointment with Dr Cunningham yesterday. It was just a regular check up. I measured small, as I have been. At this point the size of my uterus is about 6 weeks behind where it should be. I have been feeling good. I have been have more contractions than I was previously having, (which was practically nothing), but not too much. So it is still something that neither Dr C or I am concerned about.
We discussed the delivery. There is no specific protocol for my situation since it is both rare and unpredictable. We are kinda playing things be ear and making them up as we go. She said that I need to get to the hospital earlier than I did with Ray because she thinks that this labor will progress faster than my previous one. This is partially because it is my third and partially because the baby is very small at this point. She doesn't want Tres trying to make his grand apperance before she gets there.
We talked about the possiblity of God healing Tres. She said that if we are going to be planning on a miracle that it might be better to deliver at a hospital with a neonatal intensive care unit(NICU). Our original labor and delivery plan has been that things would be as peaceful as possible. That Tres would immediately be given to Josh and I, and that we would get to spend time with him until he passes away. No poking, no proding, no interfering medically. The hospital that I intend on delivering at does not have a NICU. I had Luke and Ray at the same hospital in the same room. With both I had a great experience with the hospital, doctors, and nurses. I planned on continuing the tradition with Tres. Why change something that has worked so well before?
After discussing it, we decided that unless God heals and there is a major change in Tres' situation before I go in to labor that we will continue with what we have already planned. But, if God does heal Tres inutero that we will deliver at the hospital that is equipped with a very nice NICU.
The story continues. Today I got together with a new play group that I am a part of. Over lunch four of us were talking about babies and birthing and all those fun things that moms talk about when they get together. The conversation turned to my recent appointment with Dr Cunningham and it was mentioned about me having Tres at a hospital that has a NICU. Krystal, one of the moms that is quickly becoming a good friend, said,
"That's funny that you bring that up because I was praying about that this morning."
Uh, what?
She continued, "I haven't been sleeping good. I keep waking up at 4:00 in the morning and I can't go back to sleep, so I have really been praying for you and a couple of other people. This morning when I was praying for you I thought that maybe it would be best if you delivered at a hospital where there is a NICU."
Um, what did you say?! Wide awake and praying at 4:00 am!
She does not even realize how much God used her to bless me. The only people that I have told about my early morning meeting with the Lord was Josh and my mother-in-law. It was just one more way that God has shown Himself to be active in my life. I constantly stay amazed at his goodness and grace. Once again all I can say is that God is good. Amazingly good.
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