Not my will, but your's be done.



Monday, December 6, 2010

Ramblings of the wounded

If you've been following my blog lately you've heard me mention the legislative stuff going on in Daniel's country. I haven't talked about it in a whole lot of detail, and the reason for that is because it is too upsetting for me to think about in detail. If you've been following my blog since the beginning you may have noticed that I never really talked about Treyson's birth and passing in great detail on my blog. To write about it in detail means that I would have to dwell on it. While my thoughts are never very far from Treyson, I don't really think about the hard parts for too terribly long. One of the ways that I survived my grief when we lost Treyson was to think about the good parts and all the ways God had blessed us, taught us, and changed us for the better through the process. While my mind would stray to the hard parts now and then, I wouldn't stay and dwell on it. It was just plain too hard. Today marks 2 and a half years since we lost Treyson, and it is still too hard. My mind is well trained to shift back to the blessings when it has taken a wrong turn down memory lane. They say that time heals all wounds, but I don't think that it so. I think time helps take the sting out of wounds and allows us to learn how to manage our loss, but the pain never fully goes away. I'm okay with that though. The depth of my pain is a reflection of the depth of my love for Treyson. Without the great love that I felt, and still feel today, I would not have been driven to pursue the Lord as passionately as I did during my pregnancy with Treyson. That passionate love and earth shattering loss helped shaped me in to who I am today. The Lord used every step of that journey to draw me closer to him like never before. To show me how deep and wide his love for me truly is. And to teach me that even in my darkest moments, that he will never leave my side.

Countless times during my pregnancy with Treyson, after we had gotten the news that he would not live long once he was born, I told the Lord, "I can't do this!! I won't survive if I have to just helplessly watch him die!! I love him! Please take this cup from me!!"

It was out of these pleading with the Lord that my blog was born.

Surrender

I begged the Lord to heal Treyson and take that cup from me. But I finally surrendered and said, "but not MY will, but YOUR'S be done."

And it was. His will was done, and in the end it was all to his glory. Does that mean it was easy? Heck no! But in God's strength, not my own, I was able to survive that loss. He gave me the strength to handle the one thing that I said I could never handle: Lose a child.

In praying for Daniel and the legislative vote looming ahead, I found myself pleading with the Lord in alot of the same way I did for Treyson. I heard myself saying, "God I just can't do this! You just have to intervene because I can't survive if we aren't able to adopt Daniel!! I love him!!"

Not only was my prayers very similar to when I was pregnant with Treyson, but when I think of Daniel's country closing it's doors to adoption before we finalize our adoption, I feel alot of the same emotions I felt while pregnant with Treyson. I know that alot of people may not understand that, but it is true. I love Daniel already. I love him like he is mine. God placed a love for him in mine and Josh's heart that is just the same as it is for our other children. God picked Daniel especially for us. Daniel's life has a purpose. He is our child.

But so was Treyson. And even though it was for one brief hour here on earth, Treyson's life had a purpose too. It terrifies me to think that Daniel's purpose just might not entail ever making it to our home to be a part of our family. We fully believe that God is all powerful and can do anything he desires in this situation. But I would be a fool to try to claim that I know exactly what God's purpose is for Daniel's life right now.

I don't at all mean to be a downer or sound like I am throwing the towel in and giving up. Not at all!! If anything, I am trying to express the gravity of the legislative bill that will be voted on and the importance of prayer! With God, all things are possible! So please commit to pray that God will have his hands on the heart of the people who will be voting on the bill in a couple of weeks. I am linking to a post on a blog that I love. She is an excellent writer and does a much better job at urging folks to pray. In fact, I probably should have just linked to her blog first so that you could have skipped my blabbering. I don't do emotional blog posts too often, but this just seemed like the right time. This blog is excellent if you are even remotely interested in adoption. And I recommend it very highly to those who AREN'T interested in adoption. Adeye just might show you a thing or two. God has used Adeye in our life in a HUGE way. I think I need to blog about that soon too.....

2 comments:

A Little Down Time said...

wow jess, i feel such conviction as i read this. i have been praying for you guys, but not at all like i should be. when you were pregnant with treyson, i prayed fervently for you guys ALL the time. please forgive me for not doing my part in this situation, and i do fully commit to praying for daniel and the entire situation much more diligently. i love you guys!

p.s. collette asks about hanging out with ray everyday when she sees me on your blog. we need to get those two little rats together to play soon :)

Rooney's Little Musings said...

Jessica,

I have been thinking about you, your family, and your adoption. Please know that you are NEVER far from my thoughts, even when life makes it hard to keep in touch.
Treyson is missed everyday, and you are so right, he blessed your life immensely in spite of his short time here.
Love ya,
Rhonda