We are going on vacation tomorrow to San Antonio for the week. Sea World, Splashtown, Zoo, and riverwalk here we come! Since my head has been in such a fog I haven't really planned or prepared until today. Last night I sat down to make a list of everything that I need to get done today, and no, posting on my blog was not one of them. Oh well. As much as I am an anal list making person, sometimes you just have to do things that aren't on the list.
(This is the part of the post that I am not going to act happy or try to be wity. I am just going to be honest. Honest is not always funny, and rarely is it pretty.)
I am not at all looking forward to this vacation. I'm tired, irritable, not thinking clearly, not sleeping well...and did I mention tired? Here are some examples of how my brain works these days. Yesterday Ray spilled a melted ice pop on the carpet. Don't ask me why a 16 month old was walking around with a melting popcicle because there is not a logical explanation for that.
I got a rag to clean it up.
Got is wet at the kitchen sink.
And then wrung it out on the kitchen floor.
I've also gone to the credit union to make a deposit, only to find that I forgot the check at home. Gone to wal-mart specifically for diapers, to come home without them. Life is like a dream right now. So much so that I had a dream Thursday night that I thought had really happened all day on Friday until Josh told me that the whole thing never happened.
To answer the question that some of you may be asking yourself now, no I am not on drugs(perscribed or otherwise). I have used drugs in the past(wow, that was forthcoming of me. And when I say "past" I mean years ago.), and that is pretty much what this feels like. Life is a haze, and I am in a daze(not trying to be poetic there). Not that there aren't moments of clear thinking, but in general that is how I feel.
I may have revealed before that I am not very expressive with my emotions, feelings, etc. That is partially why I started this blog because I thought it would be theraputic for me. Instead of bottling it all up I could let people know how I am feeling and what I am going through without ever having to say most of it out loud. So, if I am going to be talking about feelings then I guess I will start with how I am feeling physically. Besides the haze, I hurt. Sometimes my whole body hurts, similar to the flu, but it is mostly just my heart. It literally hurts. I had always thought that heartache was a term that describes how a person was feeling emotionally. But now I know that it really means heart ache. Pain in your chest.
It is the worst at night, when I'm laying in bed and the weight of my grief is crushing. It is then that my heart hurts. If I didn't know myself better then I would probably think that something was really physically wrong with me. Panic attacks and heart attacks also cause chest pains. But I've had a panic attack and this isn't that. And in regards to a heart attack...well, all I can say is that I am 28, excercise all the time, eat healthy, and not genetically predispositioned to have a heart attack. So I'm pretty sure it isn't that either.
I have a band aid of sorts that I use for my broken heart. Before Tres was born I bought some material and my mother-in-law made it into a baby blanket. I brought it to the hospital to wrap Tres in when he was born. I knew that if he passed away that I would want every possible keepsake. And what could be more special than the blanket that held my sweet baby? Before he passed away we all just held him and kissed him and whispered how much we loved him. After he passed I decided it was time to bathe him and get him cleaned up. After his bath I put on the micro-preemie hat that Jan, my mother-in-law, got for him. When we first saw the hat it was so tiny we thought that it was going to be too small. But when he came out much smaller than we had expected, it fit perfectly. I tried the gown on him that I had really wanted him to wear, but as small as it was it was too big and akward fitting. So I decided to just wrap him in the blanket that Jan had made for him.
When we left the hospital to come home we packed every possible keepsake of Treyson's in one little suitcase. It was the same suitcase that we had carried all of his things to the hospital in. That suitcase remains in the living room. Still packed. There are a few things that we have taken out, but I haven't been able to unpack it all and put the suitcase up yet. One of the items that I did take out right when we got home was the baby blanket. I carried his blanket with me much of the time for the first several days after his passing. Smelling it often to see if it still had his sweet baby scent. I don't carry the blanket with me now as I did the first several days, but I have slept with it every night since he was born. It is folded in a little rectangle. Every night when I lay down I place it on my chest and fold my arms over it, holding it close. It feels much heavier than its actual weight. But the weight of it is soothing to my heartache. I cling tight to the blanket that once held my precious baby boy. I don't want to ever let go.
One thing that I wasn't prepared for was every day being more difficult than the last. If you would have asked me before hand, I would have told you that the hardest part of this whole thing would be his passing, if it came to that. We sailed though that part. Not that there weren't tears and saddness, but God's grace and comfort, mixed with shock and denial, provided quite a cushion for the initial blow. It is everyday waking up only to find that he isn't here. That is the blow that is feeling less and less tolerable. After the shock wore off, the cushion of God's grace and peace is not quite so soft. It isn't that it is not there, it has just become hardened by my sorrow. Grief, with a touch of bitterness if we are being totally honest, has incased me in a shell that is not easily accepting of the comfort that the Lord has to offer. I can bear the grief with all its physical and emotional side effects, as long as it is a stage I am passing through. I don't want to take up permanent residence in the state that I am in. But it has only been three weeks. Things have to get easier one day.
But for now I am going to go on vacation with Josh and the kids. I am going to try to have fun. Or at least look like I am having fun for the kids sake.