As I sit down to write I am hoping that I don't jinx myself. The past several days have been good ones for me. I sat down yesterday to write about how much better I have been feeling, and I immediately got upset. Today has been a really good day for me so far, but I hesitated to actually write it for the fear of jinxing myself. We'll see about that...
Since we have been home from San Antonio the fog has lifted. The sorrow remains, but is much easier to deal with when you can think straight. I still miss Treyson desperately. I think I will feel that way until the day I die, and I am completely fine with that. He was my son. I am glad that he has changed my life forever. I am functioning much better than I was a couple of weeks ago though.
Spiritually I am doing much better too. For the first several weeks the only prayer I could pray was, "God, help me. Just help me survive." I prayed that, or something similar to that when I would start feeling overwhelmed and I couldn't go on. Besides my desperate cries I haven't had much to say to God since Treyson died. This has been worrying me. I don't feel angry at God(at least not that I recognize), I just feel like I haven't had much to say to him. Period. I did not want to be angry with Him, and even though I didn't feel like I was I figured that anger was the only logical explanation as to why I was avoiding prayer. Continual prayer had become so second nature to me while I was pregnant. So the lack of it felt like a huge void in my life that made the loss of Treyson even more painful. I was so immersed in my pain that I shut Him out for the most part, only crying out in utter desperation when the load became too much to bear. But since we have been home I feel like I am starting to draw close to the Lord again. I've learned that you can feel deep sorrow and God's peace at the same time.
I have begun talking with the Lord again. It started by talking about Treyson. Just talking. Me asking the Lord what he is like now and telling Him how much I love my son.
The more I talked to God about Treyson the more I began to feel the Lord's comfort. God gently told me that He also knows what it is like to lose a son. He felt the same pain when He had to watch Jesus die. The Father feels my hurt and I have found comfort and peace in that. Not only do I feel more comfort and peace, but I actually have excitement in my heart. I am looking forward to walking closely with the Lord again.