Not my will, but your's be done.



Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Tailspin

It is so strange how the saddness can just hit you. Overwhelming grief. Within minutes I can go from feeling fine, to drowning in a sea of saddness. I haven't at all been able to figure out what triggers it.

I can talk in detail with my sister about her pregnancy and upcoming labor and delivery,(which, God willing, I will be a part of), and I feel anticipation and happiness about the big event.

I can hear that one of my closest friends is expecting. And all I feel is excitment for her.

I can hold, cuddle, and kiss my 6 month old nephew, and feel nothing but love.

I can work in the nursery at our church with babies and toddlers and feel right at home playing down on the floor with them.

I can see my cousin VERY pregnant with her first child, and feel completely excited for her.


Then I get the news.

My cousin delivered her baby by emergency c-section, and there were some complications.

Even though baby Weston is stable, something about the whole situations sent me into a tailspin.

I am completely blindsided by my emotions. I feel so frail. Josh went back to work tonight, and I was about to die at the thought of him leaving. I had to refrain from begging him to stay. There are many people that I could have called, and they would have been here in a second. But I didn't want anybody but him.

I have been anticipating the birth of my sister's baby. She is finally having a girl, and we are all so excited. (I'll let you in on a little secret, though. We would be excited no matter what she was having. We just love babies!). I have been able to witness the birth of her first two children, and it is EXTREMELY important to me to be there for the birth of her baby girl. I am confident that God will give me the strength and grace that it takes to be present for the birth of my niece. I know in my heart that it will be a completely joyous occasion. I just pray for the Lord to sustain my emotions. My sister is a very sensitive person. She loves me deeply and I don't want her for one second to restrain her delight in her daughter because she feels that it would benefit me.

You would think that all of the pregnancies and new babies that I am surrounded with would give me "baby fever".

But it doesn't.

It just makes me miss Treyson all the more.

7 comments:

Mom2Mcube said...

Hey! I'm sorry you are having a difficult time. You are probably one of the strongest people I know, and I am confident you will make it through this.

We do have one thing in common - neither one of us wants anyone to see on the outside, just what is going on inside.

Love ya!

Sara said...

I am sorry Jess. These times are hard. There is no getting around it. And there is no pattern to what may trigger these feelings. They just pop up.
God will give you the strength to do whatever you need to do. Count on Him.

Heather said...

I'm so sorry Jess. I have those moments sometimes when I miss Mom out of the blue, and the sadness overwhelms me. It will get better, in time. But they will never go away. I don't think we would want them to.

Praying for God's love and comfort for you today!

Rooney's Little Musings said...

I really hope everything turns out great with baby Weston. I can understand.....it's all so very hard.

I know you are right though...God will give you strength and grace...

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