Not my will, but your's be done.



Saturday, October 15, 2011

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day.  It is a day for all of us who have lost a child through misscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or other infant death to remember our sweet babies.  Do we need a special day to bring them to mind?  Of course not.  I feel that I can confidently speak for those of us who have experienced this type of loss, that there is nothing that can make you forget and almost anything can be an excuse to remember.  So, while this special day isn't something that is needed for us to remember, to is a wonderful opportunity for our unique community to honor the babies we had to say goodbye to against our will.  It is also an opportunity for those who have not been touched by a loss of this nature, to be made aware of the loss that so many of those around them have had to endure.

When I found out that I was pregnant with Raylen, one of my first thoughts were, "It's twins."  It was a very random thought because during my pregnancy with Luke, I don't remember the thought ever really crossing my mind that I could be having  twins.  But the very evening I found out I was pregnant with Ray I almost immediately got a feeling that it was twins.  What was even more alarming, was later that evening my parents came by to tell us congratulations, and one of the first things my mom said was, "Your dad thinks it's twins."  My eyes got as big a saucers!  My dad has a special intuition, when it comes to babies.  Before the day of ultrasounds, he could guess with an eery accuracy a baby's gender before he or she was born.  Pregnant women come to him to find out what gender he predicted.  I'm sure at some point he has guessed wrong, but not in my recollection.  So when he said twins, it confirmed that feeling that I had. 

I had been seeing my OBGYN regularly trying to figure out if we had any fertility issues or not, so we were able to get in earlier than usual for my first prenatal appointment.  I was between 7 and 8 weeks along, so it was too early to hear a heartbeat with the dopplar, so my doctor did an ultrasound just to make sure that things were progressing as they should.  Little Ray looked great!  Her heart was strong an she was developing right on schedule.  What the ultrasound also showed, was what appreared to be Ray's twin.  Unfortunately, that baby had stopped developing and did not have a heart beat.  Talk about bittersweet.  We had tried so hard to get pregnant with Ray, that it was glorious news to hear that the baby was devoloping well.  There is nothing like getting to see your baby's heartbeat for the first time.  On the other hand, we had that "just got punched in the stomach" feeling hearing about the other baby.

We had a follow up ultrasound several days later to see what was happening in there.  At that point, baby B was just a shrinking sac.  Apparently that was a good thing because it didn't look like there were going to be an negative repercussions to baby Ray.  Ray's twin was what is called vanishing twin syndrome.  If we would have had our first ultrasound at 12 weeks or so, there most likely would have been no trace of what was once a twin.  God used this to help me learn to more fully trust my mama insticts.

Our next loss was Treyson.  This blog was started during my pregnancy with him, so you can read all the details of when we walked that journey, if you so desire.  The work that God in my life through Treyson is more than I could sum up in a novel.

Our most recent loss was less than a year ago.  I got pregnant shortly after we started the process to adopt Danil.  This pregnancy was kept underwraps for a plethora of reasons.  I ended up miscarrying the week of Christmas.  My selfish concerns of how I was going to manage having a newborn only a few months after bringing home a child with Down Syndrome from the Ukraine, suddenly felt like just that.  Selfish.  That baby would have been 2 months old now. 

Each loss was different and was grieved in a different manner.  Each loss brought something to my life that wasn't there before.

At 7pm tonight, our family will be participating in the "wave of light".  We will be burning a candle for one hour, in rememberance of our lost little ones. 

One this day of rememberance, if you feel comfortable sharing, I would love to hear of the little ones you may have lost.  For those of you mothers who have lost a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, of other infant loss, it would bless my heart if you would let me know so in a comment.  This is not just for my benefit, but the for the benefit of others who have walked or are walking this path of loss themselves.

I pray for those of you who may be dealin with a recent loss.  I want to encourage you by saying that even though the pain never fully goes away, it won't always be this raw and consuming.  While it might not seem like it now, God can bring good out of even the darkest situations, if you allow him to do so.

Here is to all our sweet angels who are populating God's kingdom.  You are gone, but never forgotten.  Always loved and held dear in our hearts.

16 comments:

molette said...

Beautiful post. Thinking of you and praying for you today. I had my first loss at 13 weeks 9 years ago and my fourth loss just 3 years ago. Thinking of all the babies gone to soon, lighting my candle tonight.

Mel said...

I lost our first little blessing a little over 17 years ago. When I think about how our lives were then, and how they are now, I know that God's plan was perfect. I might not have the children I have today if that one had "made it". It doesn't make the loss any less... thinking of all of our little ones today...

Sara said...

I'm sorry for your most recent loss - I had no idea.

You know about my sweet boy. Samuel would be 4 years old next month. Not a day - heck, not an hour - goes by that I don't think of him and miss him so.

Take care momma.

Micah said...

...waiting to meet our sweet baby... one day we'll be together. You've dealt with alot these last few years... so thankful for the Holy Spirit and a wonderful husband to share this journey.

gloria said...

Still brings tears to my eyes--our lost sweet angels, never forgotten, woven into the fibers of our hearts. I lost 3 babies(when I was 25yr, 26yr, 27yrs old)had 1 tube and 1 ovary removed after the ectopic, was within 12 hours of Dr's having to do a hysterectomy after my 21 week old stillborn, Jennifer, due to infection after my water had been leaking. At least we got to see her, hold her (it was back in the dark ages, but thanks to the sensitivity of the Dr he allowed it!) God stemmed the infection, but the Drs told me I would probably never have children. WRONG! I had 6 miracles after this. My youngest prayed her little heart out for another baby. But I told her I was too old. WRONG! At age 50 I miscarried for the 4th and final time--almost made it to 13 weeks. Went thru the shock, the tears, my OB chastising my that this is a blessing from GOD--"do you know what the chances are of a 50 yr old woman getting pregnant naturally??? .05 percent(or some infinitesimal number! Had 1 sweet trip to the baby store with my youngest as I cautiously allowed myself to "plan" for this new baby. My heart grieved for my loss, but the hardest part was watching my 10 yr old daughter grieve and the tears roll down her cheek in church as she saw a newborn cradled in a womans arms in the pew behind us. She never got to hold her younger sibling--but how she loved her/him. That little one would have been 7 yrs old now. (*as tears roll down my cheeks as I write this*)
Oh Jessica--my heart is so full from God's blessings and faithfulness in our lives and now He has blessed us with 2 grandchildren and expecting 2 more in APRIL! God has restored, made up, payed back what the locusts had stripped away--the gnawing locust, the swarming locust,the hopping locust--the devouring locust(Joel 2:25) Isnt that what each of those losses felt like? Stripped of our precious seed? Those sweet babies never replaced, never forgotten, but Ps 56:8 tells me that God has counted every one of my tears, recorded all my sorrow and stores my tears in a bottle--maybe one day we will be able to pour that bottle out to wash the feet of our King? Can you imagine, those of us who have lost our babies-- how full, how big--our bottles must be? Here is the largest coke bottle in the world to give you an idea http://www.flickr.com/photos/mattlaverty/90070546/
Today I celebrate that I am a mother of 10 blessings from God!

Samantha said...

Hi Jessica, we have similar stories. Here is a link to a post I did when I talked about my losses. It is sort of lengthy. It was dedicated to a friend on International Baby Loss day.
http://thestewreport.blogspot.com/2011/05/international-babyloss-mothers-day.html

Anonymous said...

I still think of the baby we lost often, he would have been 5 this past august, time does make things easier but its never forgotten. Love you and your family and thinking of you today!

Katie King said...

I read your blog regularly but don't know you personally (I go to COTR and know Shannon and Meagen). I miscarried at 13 weeks 3 years ago. Didn't know a lot about it back then but since I have been shocked to learn how common our loss is! So many lost babies :( We have since been amazingly blessed with a precious almost 2 year old! I have very much enjoyed reading about your growing family! God bless you!

Patty said...

Jessica, I'm so sorry. I miscarried my 3rd pregnancy, and it was gutwrenching. He/she (I was sure the baby was a she) would be 4 yrs old now. Afterwards we had trouble getting pregnant again for some reason, although before that I would joke that all Neil had to do was look at me sideways and boom. Two and a half years later we finally got pg again, and 12 weeks into it I had a lot of bleeding and a big blob pass (tmi I know) and I was sure I'd lost another baby. I spent a weekend crying and sleeping, then on Monday Dr. C got me in for an U/S and the first thing I saw was a moving arm. I cried all that day too! Thank God, Ben was okay. Thinking of you and all of those sweet babies today.

Annette said...

Excited for the eventual reunion with those babies. Also praising that your adoption pregnancy was not a miscarriage(even though it had it's hiccups as well). God grew your family in another manner to help ease some of the pain until you are once again with ALL your babies. Blessings to your family during your rememberence ceremony.

Hot Mess Mama said...

I miss you! I wish we lived closer. I feel there is so much I could learn from you. Love y'all!

Lisa (DanielsMommy) said...

Such a beautiful post. I am also happy to share about our journey as well. I got pregnant for the first time in 2001. We were beyond excited. I had a little spotting in the beginning so I went for blood tests every few days until we were given the 'all clear'..looks good. Well, sadly at 13 week when we thought we were going for a routine appointment to hear the heartbeat, none was found. I then went the next day for an internal ultrasound which confirmed our worst fear....a miscarriage. I have a wicker basket I keep in my room with all the cards I received for both congrats when we announced the pregnancy..and all the sympathy for when we lost our 1st. I also started to make a baby blanket that I crocheted and I put in the memory box as well. I'm not sure if I ever told you that our Danny started life out as a twin as well. Your story was just like ours, we had an early ultrasound and it saw Danny growing as he should, then another empty sac where he twin had been growing but stopped at about 8 weeks or so. I always wondered if that baby had Ds like Danny. The would have been fraternal twins, so there is no way of knowing. But I guess when we all meet in heaven I'll know. At the age of 43 in a few days, I have been blessed with 1 daughter who is 9 and typical...and my Danny who is 6 with Ds. Thank you for letting me share Jessica.

Theresa Walker said...

I'm in tears as I read your post this afternoon. I never knew that Ray had a twin...Gabrielle did too!!! A story that I wish we could have told each other in person. I was SO excited that we were finally pregnant after almost a year of crazy fertility treatments, that I didn't know how to feel (esp. after the shock of finding out we were going to have twins). That's actually when we started our blog...I think I'll go back and read when we (Nick) wrote. Sending hugs your way...esp. for your most recent loss.

Carla Dobs said...

I had a miscarriage 2 weeks before we left to bring Henry home from Ukraine...

Had a rough weekend missing that baby while also being supremely grateful to be hugging my Henry here at home...

Carla
www.bringinghenryhome.blogspot.com

micrognathia said...

I sympathize with mothers who lost their babies. It's one of the most painful experiences ever. but then again, we'll just think of it as a good thing because they're with God and and they're happy.

-admin

Shannon said...

I know this is an older post... here I am, late as usual. :)

We lost a little one on Valentine's Day 2009- just 3 months before I got pregnant with Carson. We trusted in God's sovereignty in the midst of our loss, and there have been countless times that I have been cuddling with Carson or laughing over his incredible charm and been in awe at the thought that if we'd carried that baby to term, we would have missed out on the indescribable blessing our son is to us.

Beauty from ashes.