Not my will, but your's be done.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Keepin' it real

So. I was praying this morning while I was getting dressed. I was up late last night. I couldn't sleep because of the burden on my heart. I KNOW what God has called us to do, but we are still trying to figure out HOW to obey him. (That may not make perfect sense to you, but it does to me. But as you will soon see, my thinking gets clouded from time to time.) So, I was praying this morning and my conversation with the Lord went something like this....

"Lord, I know what you've clearly asked us to do and I am so willing to do that, but there are some things that you need to provide for us first, so that we will be able to do what you've asked us to do. Please, hurry and provide those things for us because I am so ready to walk by faith in the direction you've called us."

"Then just do it. Walk by faith."

"I'm trying! You know I'm trying. I'm trusting you to provide and as soon as you do I will be all over doing what you asked. So, please, Lord, provide what we need so that I can show you how much I trust you. I am so willing. I'm committed. I'm ready."

"Then walk by faith."

I'm TRYING. You haven't provided what we need to move forward. I trust that you will and I'm waiting on you-" "Waiting on me to do what?"

"Provide! So that I can walk by faith!"

"Provide what?"

Since none of you were privy to this conversation I feel that I need to interject here. It may sound as if I am being sassy with the Lord, but I am honestly speaking to him from the place of an exasperated child that is just not getting it. In my opinion, I thought we were having one of those conversation were the parent just isn't getting what the child is asking, but actually it was the other way around. It also may sound like the Lord is being somewhat antagonistic towards me, when that was not at all the case either. His voice was so soft and gentle as he was trying to help me understand.)

*sigh* "Provided what we need so that we can obey you!"

"That sounds more like waiting in faith, not walking in faith."


This was kind of a "duh" moment for me.

"I asked you to walk by faith. How would that be walking by faith if I provide everything you need to complete the task I've asked you to complete before you even start?"

"Well....I guess it isn't...."

"How much faith does it take to do something if I give you everything you need to do it up front?"

"Not much, I don't guess."


"So what do you want me to do?"

Dumb, dumb, dumb question, I know. But sometimes I can be a dumb-dumb. I guess I need to show my children a little more grace when they repeatedly ask me the same thing over and over that I have already explained to them. As I'm sure you can guess, he said,

"Walk by faith."



I tried to think of every excuse as to why I couldn't do that, or how I was already doing that, but they all sounded pretty dumb when you keep in mind that I am talking to GOD.

"I'm scared."

"Don't you trust me?"

"Well of course I trust you."

"Don't you believe that I am going to take care of you, my child, and that I will provide everything you need to be able to do what I've asked you to do?"

"Of course I do."

"Haven't I already blessed you for having a heart that is willing to obey me?"

"Yes, Lord, you have! So much! Thank you for the wonderful, Godly, wise women that you have placed in my life as encouragement and confimation."

"Then what is the problem?"

"God, people are going to think that we are straight up crazy if we take the next step down this path without you providing some things first. Seriously!"

Yes, I really say "seriously" to God.

"Oh, so now your obedience is based on what other people think?"


"Doesn't it only matter what I think?"

"Yes. You are right."


I just love how the Lord is silent and gives me time to mull things for a minute. He's always so gentle. Even when I. just. don't. get it.

"Ok. So what do you want me to do?"

"Walk by faith. Step out and take the next step so that I can provide. Let me take care of you. Just trust me."


I sigh. A literal, audible, out loud, deep sigh.

"Ok, Lord. I'll take the next step."

And so our adoption journey begins....


Theresa Walker said...

Thanks for sharing this conversation with us! We'll be praying for you guys during this wonderful time!!!

Hannah Andrews said...

Thanks for sharing! I cryed reading this. Hope you don't mind I posted your blog on facebook :-0

Micah said...

Loud, audible, cry out when I read the last line. God is working in ways you don't even know. I'm so glad you shared this. I tried to IM you earlier on facebook but just as I clicked your name you signed off. I took that as a sign from the Lord... not now.
People who think you're stark raving mad just don't. understand. that's all.
oh my goodness I am still cryin.
God's timing is perfect.
Thank you for sharing .. now we'll know what we're prayin' for!

Rooney's Little Musings said...

Oh Jessica!!! I am crying out loud reading this! Kate is wondering what is wrong with her Mommy!

I had a feeling this is where you were going with your latest posts!

I am overjoyed for you, and I am amazed at the way God works!

I can't stop crying big, hot tears of joy!

Please know that I will be here for you every step of the way, physically if need be, and of course I will be storming the gates of Heaven with prayers for your journey!

I can't wait to hear more, and I can't wait to talk to you!

I love you!

Sara said...

Oh yay!! I am so excited for you and I can't wait to hear all about it!