Lullaby

What I wouldn't give
To have you in my arms again,
Breathe your scent
And snuggle close to you.
I want to watch you sleep,
See your chest rise and fall
In peaceful slumber.
Let me lay my hand
Over your heart,
So I can feel it beating
Beneath my touch.
I want to be
Lulled to sleep
By its rhythm.


~~ by Tara Simms

Starting

I guess it is time to break the silence. I have no idea what I am going to write. My thoughts are constantly clouded. People ask how I am doing, and I always say, "good". In many ways I do feel like I am doing good. I thought that if we ended up losing Tres that I would be unable to function. That I wouldn't be able to get out of bed in the morning, or care for the kids, or do anything but cry. But that has not been the case. Life is no where near the same, but it has continued on. I am grateful for the mundane daily tasks. Keeping busy is what has kept me from going crazy. I prefer to be busy alone though, if that makes any sense. I feel like I am in a fog. I have a difficult time collecting my thoughts in a logical manner, therefore my conversation skills have been lacking. If you are one of the people that I have had an odd conversation with I am sorry. It isn't that I don't want to talk, (most of the time anyway), it is that I have a difficult time putting my thoughts together in the first place, let alone verbalizing them.

I think about Treyson close to every waking moment, but it is hard for me to talk about him to anyone but Josh. It isn't that I don't want to talk about him to other people, but talking leads to crying the majority of the time and Josh is the only person I am comfortable crying in front of.

I'm going to go now. I've been still for too long. I'm sure that the story of his birth and passing will spill from me eventually.

Until then, thank you all for your prayers.

Love, Treyson

I am not to the point where I feel like I can write about the experiences and emotions of the past few weeks yet. I don't know when that time will come, or even if it will come. But I have a letter that I would like to share with all of you. It was written by Josh's step-grandmother. She is one of the sweetest ladies in the world. It touched me deeply and meant a great deal to me, so I asked her permission to post it in my blog. She wrote it to Josh and I from Treyson. Here goes:

June 7, 2008

To my beautiful mother and my dad who loves her.

When you read this I will be gone leaving saddness to engulf you. Grieve only for a little while-then smile and remember. I will. I will remember the soft steady beat of your heart as I lay close to it in the warm safe place in which I grew. The outside touch of my Daddy's hand as he felt for my movement and to maybe hear a heartbeat. I always wanted to move happily and let my heart beat loudly to declare my love for you. Sometimes you noticed how strongly it beat. I was glad. I will always remember the happy laughter of my siblings at play, and your soft laughter as you watched with my dad. I do so wish that I had not rushed to get down here-but you see when the angel told me God had selected me to come to you, I hurried so fast I forgot to pack all my important parts. So now I have to go back, for I could not survive here without them. But remember I'm only a wink away. Just look for me in the flutter of a butterfly's wings. And listen for me in the song of a bird. Feel my touch in the soft summer breeze.
As you gaze far out to sea don't look for me. For you see, I'm much nearer. Much much nearer. I'm just across Jordan...and I'm waiting.

All my love,
Treyson Kemp Carlin

Memorial

Several people have donated or asked about donating money for a memorial for Treyson. Josh and I have set up a memorial with a ministry that is dear to our hearts. We have been involved with giving to this ministry before and would love to see others do the same. It is a wonderful help for struggling pregnant mothers. Here is the information for anyone that is interested.

Hope Center for Crisis Pregnancy
P.O. Box 12984
Beaumont, Tx 77726

409.898.4005

If you send a check you can put "Treyson Kemp Carlin" in the memo spot.

Treyson Kemp Carlin

Our beautiful baby boy was born Friday, June 6th at 2:58 pm. He was tiny tiny, weighing only 2lbs, but completely adorable. He looked just like Luke and had a head full of brown hair. We were able to spend a wonderful hour with him before he passed away at 4:00 pm.

His funeral service will be on Wednesday, June 11th at 11:00 am at Hillcrest Baptist Church in Nederland, Texas.