Not my will, but your's be done.



Tuesday, July 28, 2009

It's almost midnight. I've been lying in bed for an hour now and should have been asleep a long time ago. Today was a great day, so I am surprised that tonight as I lay in bed my mind wandered to the "what if" area. That is a forbidden area that I try to not visit very frequently No good ever seems to come of it. It always ends the same; a box of tissues and me asking the same questions that God has already been so gracious to answer for me, even though He wasn't required to. As soon as I see myself heading in that direction I always try to change the course. But tonight my mind wandered there slowly, decieving my heart in the process, and before I knew it I was lying there missing Treyson more than I have in months. I am at peace with all aspects of Treyson's story, and the majority of the time I see his life as a special and unique gift from God, and inspite of the outcome, he was a blessing that I was so unworthy to have received.

But tonight I feel greedy. I know, that given the opportunity, Treyson wouldn't change the outcome of his life. He is perfect and living in perfection with Jesus at this very moment. He wouldn't come back here, even if he could. But tonight I want to change things. I want him back. I want to hold him. I want him here. Now.

He would be 13 months old right now if he were still alive. Just starting to walk and talk and discover the world in a whole new way. I feel cheated that I'm not getting to experience this. I'm not getting to watch him learn and grow. I'm not getting to love him here on earth like I feel like I should. I know that God doesn't make mistakes, and I in no way do I think that He is to blame. I just really really miss my baby. I would give anything to be able to hold him again, even for just a minute, and tonight it is breaking my heart that I can't.

9 comments:

Amanda Hoyt said...

I'm so sorry, Jessica.
...Praying for you...
Many hugs,
Amanda

Sara said...

I'm sorry Jessica. Just very sorry you are struggling right now - many hugs and prayers for you.

Becky said...

(((you))). Love you, lady.

rhondaustin1 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rooney's Little Musings said...

I've been going the same place lately, and no, it's not pretty.

I'm so sorry.

Hugs and prayers,

Rhonda

Heather said...

Through tears, I am praying for you! I love you, friend! I'm so sorry for this pain...I wish I could take it away. But God can...trying to help you leave it at His feet today.

MamaJ said...

So sad for you. I know exactly what you are talking about. Praying you through....

Michael Paine said...

Don't ever feel guilty for missing Treyson or wanting him here to hold. What mother wouldn't want that? There is absolutely only beauty in the love and desire you have for your son...he is one of the most impacting children I have ever had an encounter with and we never had a chance to meet. He has changed my life more than my own children have...I mean that. I am thankful for Treyson and miss him with you and for you because I know your arms ache so badly to hold him run your fingers through his blonde wispy hair like Ray's. You are a wonderful mom and sure he wouldn't trade jesus for you but I would say that you would be the next best thing here on earth. Thank goodness he will meet you one day and see you as you are a beautiful woman who loved him and loved his creator. How AWESOME!

Ryon & Rachel said...

Wow. Some how I missed this on my update notifications so I'm just now reading this.

I don't know this from personal experience...but I understand the basic instinct of a mother to sacrifice your own wants and needs for the sake of your children. Sometimes it's little things like eating the burned toast so they don't have to. Other times it's bigger...it involves completely letting them go and handing them over to God (be it spiritually, emotionally, physically, or all of the above). We don't always like it...in fact, sometimes it down right sucks. Sometimes we are really craving that good piece of toast and it's not so easy to hand it over and eat the burned one...but we do it anyways for the benefit of our children. In your case, it's a deeper issue than a piece of bread...the basic principle may be the same...but the pain is greater. Don't feel bad for wanting him here...it just proves how good of mother you are...and how loving you are...and how normal you are. But you don't get mad at God because you know He has taken Treyson home with Him...and you know that is the best thing for Treyson. That's a part of your motherly instinct...wanting the best thing for your son more than your own desires...and dealing with the pain/hurt/frustration that comes with your sacrifice. May God bless you with peace and comfort…and may He remind you that He knows exactly how you feel.

P.S. thank you for the sweet comment.