It's almost midnight. I've been lying in bed for an hour now and should have been asleep a long time ago. Today was a great day, so I am surprised that tonight as I lay in bed my mind wandered to the "what if" area. That is a forbidden area that I try to not visit very frequently No good ever seems to come of it. It always ends the same; a box of tissues and me asking the same questions that God has already been so gracious to answer for me, even though He wasn't required to. As soon as I see myself heading in that direction I always try to change the course. But tonight my mind wandered there slowly, decieving my heart in the process, and before I knew it I was lying there missing Treyson more than I have in months. I am at peace with all aspects of Treyson's story, and the majority of the time I see his life as a special and unique gift from God, and inspite of the outcome, he was a blessing that I was so unworthy to have received.

But tonight I feel greedy. I know, that given the opportunity, Treyson wouldn't change the outcome of his life. He is perfect and living in perfection with Jesus at this very moment. He wouldn't come back here, even if he could. But tonight I want to change things. I want him back. I want to hold him. I want him here. Now.

He would be 13 months old right now if he were still alive. Just starting to walk and talk and discover the world in a whole new way. I feel cheated that I'm not getting to experience this. I'm not getting to watch him learn and grow. I'm not getting to love him here on earth like I feel like I should. I know that God doesn't make mistakes, and I in no way do I think that He is to blame. I just really really miss my baby. I would give anything to be able to hold him again, even for just a minute, and tonight it is breaking my heart that I can't.

...and a picture to go with it

I'm posting this as a kind of add-on post to go with the previous one. It's a picture of my mom (with Luke and Ray), for those of you who don't know her. Now when I say "my mom", you know who I'm talking about.

Oh, and yes, the kids did both dress as pirates for Halloween 2007. Cute, right? This may have been my one and only year to have them dress coordinating. I had to take advantage of it before Ray could voice her opinions! haha!

Good News!

For those of you who don't know, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in May of 2007. After surgery and natural treatment, she was deemed cancer free about a year ago. This past month she under went genetic testing to find out if her cancer was genetic. She received the results of her tests yesterday and her cancer was found to not have a genetic link! That is great news for my sister and I, and our daughters! While my sister and I will have to start having mamograms at an earlier age than most, just because of the fact that my mom had breast cancer before the age of 50, we won't have to start super-early(like, this year, for me), or have them as often as we would have had to if her cancer had been genetic. For those of you who know both my mom and I, I thought that you might be interested in this bit of information.

Vaca in Pictures(and a few words)

This past week(the week leading up to 4th of July) we went on vacation to Galveston for the week. We had an excellent time! I'm really too busy and tired to blog about the whole thing, so I'm going to just post some of our pictures from the week so you can see what we did.

Day 1:My sister's house

This consisted of us driving to Houston and spending the night with my sister and her family. On the way we stopped at San Jacinto Mall. The kids and Josh rode the carousel and played around a bit.

That night we went to church at my sister's church, Houston's First Baptist Church. I LOVE her church(it also happens to be Beth Moore's church!!)

Day 2

Houston Zoo

Ray and my nephew, Jacob looking at the fish.

The aquarium part is Raylen's favorite

My nephews, (Nathan and Jacob) with Luke and Ray

(yes Ray is pickin her nose).

We kids had a great time at the zoo, it was just hot. Like REAAALLY hot. That afternoon when we left the zoo we drove to our resort in Galveston.


Day 3 :BEACH!!

Our resort was right ON the beach. It was down at the south end of Galveston after the seawall ends. Very nice and secluded. All we had to do was walk right down to the beach from our room.

Here's a pic of the kiddos in the elevator, heading down to the beach.

Ray and Daddy building a sand castle.

We caught 68 hermit crabs that day. I just had to take a picture because I thought I would never catch that many again.
That's what 68 hermit crabs of various sizes looks like.

After an awesome day at the beach we went to Rainforest Cafe that evening.

Luke just loves the Rainforest ride!

This was Ray's first time to ride the ride(besides in utero).

She wasn't sure what to think, but she never cried.

This picture is of her staring at the giant anoconda above us.

Day 4: Shilitterbaun

This is Luke doing the boogie boarding ride. He did great! I was so proud!

Day 5: Beach and pool

Ray with a crab

Me and Ray

You know how I said I took a picture of all those crabs because I thought I'd never find that many again? Well, we found 150 this day. Yup. ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY hermit crabs.

Here's the tiniest one.

And here is one of the bigger ones. Cute little things, eh?

The kids and Josh in the pool

Luke with a giant cookie from McAllistar's

That evening we played putt-putt at the local putt-putt place.

This is Ray hugging the fake chicken on the chicken coop hole.

Eating popsicles on the way down to the pool and to walk on the beach at night

Our resort at night(view from the beach)

Luke

Ray and Daddy

This kiddos on the last day when we were about to head home

We had a great time and would most definately go back. We got and EXCELLENT deal on our resort($80 a night, instead of the usual $182 dollars a night. The resort made a mistake online, but chose to honor the price we booked it at.). We were so blessed!

I'm going to try to post again soon updating you all on what has been going on around here, if I could just get a spare minute!