I think it's time to share....

our story.

Our adoption story. How this whole journey began and why. This could be a novel, so I'm going to do my best to summarize and just hit the high points. We'll see how that goes.


I've wanted to adopt...for like, forever. I had a desire to adopt long before I ever had the desire for biological children. I wasn't one of those typical girls growing up who day dreamed about their wedding, and their future children. I never sat around wondering how many kids I would have and what their names would be. I just didn't. I didn't not like kids. I baby sat alot as a teenager and was comfortable around kids and thought babies were cute. But I didn't desire children or motherhood. I was super boy crazy, so there was no doubt that there would be marriage in my future(hopefully sooner, than later), but the whole white-picked-fence-stay-at-home-mommy-of-several-children thing? Um, no thanks. A hot husband and a cool career was pretty much my life goals as a teenager. One day, when I was married, successful, and ancient(like 35), I would have a couple of kids. I had no real desire to give birth, so I thought it would be cool to adopt. Help someone less fortunate or whatnot. So when I became this really old dried up 35 year old, I just adopt me a couple of a kids. That was my plan.


Then college came around, and after a couple of years of trying to head down the career path that I thought I wanted, it came to decision making time. The career I was pursing was 7 day a week(usually), 12-15 hours a day, high stress, life consuming job, that didn't leave room for a family. Not only that, but it was going to take me a good 8 years or so, from that point, to finish all the necessary schooling, training, and qualifications, to be able to achieve my desired career. By that point(about 20 or 21 years old), I was starting to feel my first motherly pangs. I started thinking, maybe it would be cool to be a mom one day(not that I had despised the idea before that, it just had not ever been something I had given much thought to). So I decided to abandon my career dreams and pursue a more "family friendly" career. Teacher education. That sounded like a good career for someone who was going to possibly be a mom one day. Plenty of family time in the evenings and weekends and summers, because Lord knows I wouldn't be staying at home, homeschooling or anything crazy like that. Sometimes it's fun to look back at the plans I had for myself and just laugh.


Over the next couple of years my desire to have children grew, but the desire to adopt never faded. After Luke was born you would think that the completely amazing and forever life changing experience of becoming a mother would diminish any previous desire I had to adopt a child. But it did just the opposite. After Luke's birth it was like a switch flipped in me. I began to realize what an amazing gift a child is. An utter miracle. The idea that there were children out there somewhere in the world that didn't have parents that felt about them how I felt about Luke, was appalling to me. I would love that child, where ever he or she may be. That warm fuzzy feeling of "it would be so neat to adopt one day", turned in to a burning desire of "I KNOW adoption is in my future". I knew that I was capable of deeply loving a child that I didn't give birth to. I wanted to be a mother to a child whose mother either couldn't, wouldn't, or didn't want to be a mother.

Josh and I get married and over the next several years the topic of adoption is brought up. Often. I won't say that Josh completely resisted, but he wasn't passionate about it like I was. We'll just say that he was ambivalent, at best.


We had Raylen. That didn't slow me down too much. I dropped bits of adoption information here and there. I knew that it was not the right time for us to adopt right then, but I didn't want Josh to think that I had lost interest. I guess I thought if he heard it mentioned enough, that it would get stuck in his brain or something. He was still ambivalent though.


Then we had Treyson. I stayed in a grief induced mental and emotional fog for months after his death. Once the fog lifted, I was back on the adoption train. FULL FORCE this time. Treyson showed me how short life is and that it must be lived to the fullest. I did not want to live my life with regrets. I was so wounded from the loss of Treyson, that while I still had a desire for another child, I was unsure if I ever wanted to be pregnant again. That made the thought of adoption even more appealing. I was adoption crazed! I read adoption websites, adoption blogs, adoption anything I could get my hands on. I showed Josh videos and articles and pictures. Still, there was nothing but a polite, "That's cool", on his part. The more I pushed, the more he resisted.


Before you go thinking that Josh is heartless or anything, he is actually the exact opposite. He is a very tenderhearted person with the spiritual gifts of service and mercy. He has such a servant's heart and is always putting other's needs before himself. That is why it baffled me that he wasn't completely on board with this adoption thing. He felt sorry for orphans and the less fortunate and had a desire to help them, but it wasn't the permanant kind of help that I had in mind. The best I could get out of him, as far as a commitment to adopt, was that one day a long time away when we had more money a bigger house and older kids, he might consider us adopting. And let's just face it, the only reason I got that much out of him is because Josh rarely tells me no to anything. This was his way out of committing to something he didn't want to do, yet not have to straight up tell me "no". (oh, and did I mention that the man doesn't like confrontation, either?)


By this point I was really frustrated. I was passionate about adopting one day, and Josh just plain wasn't. I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. Here I was with a deep passion for something that I thought that God had called me to do one day, yet it seemed like that day would never come. I couldn't force Josh into agreeing to adopt. That has to be something that you go into in complete agreement. And even if I could get him to agree to it, that wasn't the way I wanted to do it. That wouldn't be fair to a child. I wanted Josh to be just as passionate about the whole thing as I was, but he wasn't.


I was faced with a decision. I could either 1. Continue down the path I was on of trying to convince Josh that adoption was a wonderful thing and we needed to do it in a couple of years, or 2. Let go and give it to God.


As much as the thought pained me, I knew that the right thing to do was to give it to God. That meant, completely taking my hands off of it, and trusting that if God had truly called me to adopt, then he would call my husband to the same thing at some point.


So on April 29th, 2009, I gave my desires to adopt to the Lord and stopped trying to control my husband and force him in to MY calling. If you are wondering how I know the exact date, it is because I journaled it in my spiritual journal. I don't journal alot, usually only fervent prayer requests and petitions to the Lord, and other major things. But this was a major thing to me. On this day I completely let go of it. As painful as I anticipated it being, it really wasn't. It was freeing. It was no longer my issue. I prayed that God would give Josh and I the same vision, in regards to adoption, whatever that vision may be. I was truly willing to give up my dream, if that was what God had for me.


Giving it to God gave me so much peace. I quit the research. I quit the adoption blogs and websites. I quit talking to Josh about it. I quit dwelling on it all together. I thought that this would be very hard, but really it wasn't. I had full faith that if it was meant to be, that the Lord would give it back to me, this time with Josh on board. And if it wasn't meant to be, then that meant that he had something even better planned for my life. Because he does know best, you know?


Surrender, again.


Two months later, I found out that I was pregnant with Kellen. It briefly crossed my mind that maybe this was somehow God's final answer about the whole adoption thing. That thought hurt, but I chose to trust that whatever his will was, that was best.


The months rolled by. No adoption talk. No adoption thoughts. If I heard of someone adopting I would think that it was wonderful for them, but in the back of my mind I thought that that was probably all it would ever be. Someone else's adoption story. If the Lord was calling me to minister in another way, then I was willing to do it.


Surrender.


Surrender.


Surrender.



Then July 1, 2010 happened.


And I will never be the same.

Ramblings of the wounded

If you've been following my blog lately you've heard me mention the legislative stuff going on in Daniel's country. I haven't talked about it in a whole lot of detail, and the reason for that is because it is too upsetting for me to think about in detail. If you've been following my blog since the beginning you may have noticed that I never really talked about Treyson's birth and passing in great detail on my blog. To write about it in detail means that I would have to dwell on it. While my thoughts are never very far from Treyson, I don't really think about the hard parts for too terribly long. One of the ways that I survived my grief when we lost Treyson was to think about the good parts and all the ways God had blessed us, taught us, and changed us for the better through the process. While my mind would stray to the hard parts now and then, I wouldn't stay and dwell on it. It was just plain too hard. Today marks 2 and a half years since we lost Treyson, and it is still too hard. My mind is well trained to shift back to the blessings when it has taken a wrong turn down memory lane. They say that time heals all wounds, but I don't think that it so. I think time helps take the sting out of wounds and allows us to learn how to manage our loss, but the pain never fully goes away. I'm okay with that though. The depth of my pain is a reflection of the depth of my love for Treyson. Without the great love that I felt, and still feel today, I would not have been driven to pursue the Lord as passionately as I did during my pregnancy with Treyson. That passionate love and earth shattering loss helped shaped me in to who I am today. The Lord used every step of that journey to draw me closer to him like never before. To show me how deep and wide his love for me truly is. And to teach me that even in my darkest moments, that he will never leave my side.

Countless times during my pregnancy with Treyson, after we had gotten the news that he would not live long once he was born, I told the Lord, "I can't do this!! I won't survive if I have to just helplessly watch him die!! I love him! Please take this cup from me!!"

It was out of these pleading with the Lord that my blog was born.

Surrender

I begged the Lord to heal Treyson and take that cup from me. But I finally surrendered and said, "but not MY will, but YOUR'S be done."

And it was. His will was done, and in the end it was all to his glory. Does that mean it was easy? Heck no! But in God's strength, not my own, I was able to survive that loss. He gave me the strength to handle the one thing that I said I could never handle: Lose a child.

In praying for Daniel and the legislative vote looming ahead, I found myself pleading with the Lord in alot of the same way I did for Treyson. I heard myself saying, "God I just can't do this! You just have to intervene because I can't survive if we aren't able to adopt Daniel!! I love him!!"

Not only was my prayers very similar to when I was pregnant with Treyson, but when I think of Daniel's country closing it's doors to adoption before we finalize our adoption, I feel alot of the same emotions I felt while pregnant with Treyson. I know that alot of people may not understand that, but it is true. I love Daniel already. I love him like he is mine. God placed a love for him in mine and Josh's heart that is just the same as it is for our other children. God picked Daniel especially for us. Daniel's life has a purpose. He is our child.

But so was Treyson. And even though it was for one brief hour here on earth, Treyson's life had a purpose too. It terrifies me to think that Daniel's purpose just might not entail ever making it to our home to be a part of our family. We fully believe that God is all powerful and can do anything he desires in this situation. But I would be a fool to try to claim that I know exactly what God's purpose is for Daniel's life right now.

I don't at all mean to be a downer or sound like I am throwing the towel in and giving up. Not at all!! If anything, I am trying to express the gravity of the legislative bill that will be voted on and the importance of prayer! With God, all things are possible! So please commit to pray that God will have his hands on the heart of the people who will be voting on the bill in a couple of weeks. I am linking to a post on a blog that I love. She is an excellent writer and does a much better job at urging folks to pray. In fact, I probably should have just linked to her blog first so that you could have skipped my blabbering. I don't do emotional blog posts too often, but this just seemed like the right time. This blog is excellent if you are even remotely interested in adoption. And I recommend it very highly to those who AREN'T interested in adoption. Adeye just might show you a thing or two. God has used Adeye in our life in a HUGE way. I think I need to blog about that soon too.....

Soup for Brains

It took me until last night to realize what the date was. I spent all day yesterday thinking that it was December 5th. I should have known to check the date because I woke up that morning thinking that it was a week days.(I don't know what week day I was thinking it was, I just thought it was one of 'em.) As I sat nursing the baby I was planning out our school day.(Yes, sometimes the school days doesn't fully get planned out until that morning. Doesn't happen regularly, but lately it has a little more than usual. Sue me. ;) ) Anyway, it didn't take me long to realize that it was Saturday. The thought did occur to me though that maybe I would have the kids do school anyway since we've missed a day here and there due to adoption preparation. (I'm horrible, right?) But alas, the kids woke up knowing that it was Saturday, so my plan was foiled.

Since yesterday was only the 4th, TODAY is actually 5 days until the 5 Days of Christmas Giveaway! I think D Week fried my brain! In spite of the brain frying effects, I will say that D Week was a roaring success!! We did have some bumps along the way, but that's life, right? I've also learned that when you choose to follow the Lord down the road less traveled, that Satan goes into full attack mode. But he can't fool me. I know who defeats him in the end, and I am constantly reminding him of that fact. Despite his best effort, THIS battle belongs to the Lord. NOTHING is going to stop me from going where the Lord has commanded us to go. My little boys life depends on it.

I have more good news too! Apparently I am not the only adult in our household that is free of HIV, syphillis, TB, and mental illness! Yay for Josh's sanity! I've questioned it several times, because of his undying love and devotion towards me that only sees to grow as the years go by. I tend to wonder if a man that knows me as well as he does, and yet loves me completely unconditionally, can truly be sane. But apparently, he is. Nice to know. That man truly does have the patience of Job. I am continually tempted to put him up on a pedastal, but the Lord is constantly reminding me not to do this with any person. Jesus is the only one who I should have up on a pedastal.

This adoption journey has knocked a few people off the pedastal that I had them on. I knew when we chose to obey the Lord by following where he was leading us, down this international adoption path, I knew that not everyone in our lives would agree with our decision. You can't please everyone. It's just a fact of life. I knew there would be resistance, even among some of our family. Sometimes that is the cost for following Christ, even some of your family and loved ones disagree with your decision. Josh and I both not only expected this, but we were prepared for it. What I didn't expect was a few of the people that I really look up to spiritually, to be against us adopting. THAT surprised me. The mandate in scripture to care for orphans is plain and simple, not vauge and left open for interpretation. Not only that, but the call that God gave Josh and I individual is crystal clear. I guess when the Lord speaks to you so very clearly, you expect the spiritual giants in your life to automatically get that. 8 or 9 out of the 10 or so people that I personally know and respect their walk with the Lord deeply, are very supportive of us. But there are one or 2 out there that choose to sit on the sidelines, instead of being a part of this amazing journey with us. God is all over this adventure so far, and I hate that they are missing out on the blessings that the Lord has heaped upon us, simply for choosing to obey.

Nay-sayers don't bother Josh. All that matters to him is that he is obeying the Lord. That is an awesome quality and I respect that about him. Overall, the Lord's goodness over shadows any disappointment I have over loved ones not being supportive, but my feelings do get hurt at times. I laugh about it at times though, when I think that if they are not supportive of us adopting, what are they going to do when one day God moves our whole family to a mud hut in Guam!!

Anyway, this post is all over the place! I started out not knowing what day it was, and somehow ended up in Guam. Like I said earlier, I think my brain is fried. I think what I started out saying was, that you still have 5 days to enter the giveaway for a bunch of cool goodies! I failed to mention in my last post, that if you facebook, blog, tweet, whatever else, about the giveaway, it will get you an extra entry for how ever many of those you do. I appreciate you getting the word out! Even if a person can only donate a little, alot of little donations can add up to alot! Like I've said before, God can mulitply any donation, large or small!!

My computer has been uncoopertive lately, but if it chooses to behave, I plan on posting a little Q and A sometime this week. I've gotten alot of the same questions about different aspects of our adoption, so I'd love to have a chance to answer those in a public forum.

Make sure you let me know if you blog, tweet, facebook, etc. You can let me know either by commenting in the comment box or by emailing me at josh-jesscarlin@hotmail.com.

Have a wonderful week!!

The 5 days of Christmas giveaway!!

We have decided to turn the diamond ring and bracelet giveaway in to an even bigger giveaway, called the 5 days of Christmas!! New items have been added to the giveaway! It is now called The 5 Days of Christmas Giveaway, because something will be given away every day for FIVE days!! Entries in to the giveaway will go like this: $5=1 entry, $25=6 entries. If your name is not drawn on day 1 of the giveaway, then your name will remain in the hat! Now, to view the prizes!!

Day 1 Prize: Diamond Ring!!(December 10th)
Day 2 Prize: Diamond Earrings(December 11th)

This is one of the new entries in the giveaway, and aren't they gorgeous?!?! The diamonds are in a 14k white gold setting. Simply beautiful.

Day 4 Prize: Handcrafted Bracelet(December 13th)

I know I skipped day 3. I uploaded the pics in the wrong order and didn't know how to fix it. I'm not compter savy. Anyway, back to the prizes!!

Day 3 Prize: Blinged-Out Christmas Chest

This chest is perfect to give a Christmas present in, store Christmas decorations, or to use as a decoration itself!! The top has the added touch of just the right amount of bling!!

Here is a picture of the front. It's bigger than it looks in the picture. I'll measure it and post the dimensions.

Oh, wait, those sweeties aren't for sale! They sure are cute though, eh?

Back to the prizes, once again!

Day 5 Prize: Super Cute Pair of Candles(with a touch of bling!)
These candle are lightly scented. I can't really tell the scent. Strawberrish, maybe. I don't like scented stuff much, but these are just the right amount of scent! They would make a great Christmas gift for a lucky winner!

If you have already entered the giveaway, then consider yourself entered across the board for them all! I am so excited about the prizes and I can't wait to draw the winners!! There haven't been a whole lot of entries yet, so the odds are really good of you winning a prize! Get your name in the hat today! You have to use the Chip-in on the side of the page, or donate by cash or check in person. All donations made directly to Reece's Rainbow are annonymous to us, therefore I wouldn't be able to enter you in the giveaway.

Support a great cause and have a great chance at winning some awesome prizes!! Thank you so much to all of you who have donated to the giveaway so far!!

Want a letter from Santa?

I have something cute that I'd love to share! Sarah, at Seeking Rainbows is doing a fundraiser for a older boy or girl with Down Syndrome on the Reece's Rainbow site. For a $10 donation, she will send you child a personalized hand written letter from Santa! I know that some families may not do "Santa" and that is completely fine. But maybe you have a little someone in your life(neice, nephew, a friend's child, etc) that believes in Santa and would love to get a letter from him! The idea is super cute, and all proceeds are going to a wonderful cause! Having money in the grants of the children who are waiting really makes a difference when possible parents are looking at them. Money is usually the biggest barrier that keeps people from adopting these special needs children. Help bring down the barrier today by buying a letter from Santa!

Depraved Indifference

It's D Day!!

Or, more acurately, D WEEK. The D I'm talking about is DOCUMENTS. My goal for the week is to be done with all the documents for our dossier, minus our USCIS(immigration approval), and one other document that I am waiting to come in the mail.

Monday was a success. We had a stack of documents signed, notarized, and faxed off for approval(they were all approved, praise the Lord!!). My stomach was in knots the whole time we were working on the papers, but in the end, the notary only messed up on one, which is understandable when you are notarized 20-something documents.

Tuesday we went to Austin....and back. I can't complain though. The kids did amazing!! Although, Ray did have to stop to pee about 17 times on the way there alone. Poor thing. I guess that happens when you have bladder issues.

In Austin we had our state criminal background checks and fingerprinting done, and we had a mountain of papers apostilled. Then we found the closest UPS and sent new Child Specific Petitions and Power of Attorneys to Daniel's country because the batch I overnighted through the postal service STILL HAVEN'T BEEN DELIVERED. Last I tracked the one I just sent they were in Denmark and still and schedule to be delivered tomorrow.

While I didn't meet any other adopting families or Russian speaking hippies while we were at the Secretary of State's office, the lady we worked with was pretty cool. She even knew about Reece's Rainbow and said that shshe loves to look at the kiddos on the website all the time. How crazy is that?! 999 out of 1000 people have never heard of Reece's Rainbow, yet the lady at the Secretary of State's office is a big advocate for them. Amazing!


Today I had our Proof of Home Ownership document done at the County Appraisers office. I scheduled a mobile notary to meet me there. Everything went soooooo smooth. The ladies who worked in the office were very nice and helpful. They did everything just right. The notary was super nice too. Everyone did their part right and the document looks perfect. Until.....I notice that the notary's commisison expires in less than 12 months. That is a big no-no for us. All of our documents have to be notarized by a notary who's commission doesn't expire for at least 12 months. I didn't even think to ask him about that ahead of time. Oh well. Live and learn, right?

Our homestudy is complete except for one little detail. We are waiting on a document from Josh's employer. The document we got from them was done 6 kinds of wrong(yes, seriously), so now getting them to fix it(or even contact me back) is proving to be difficult. Tomorrow I think I'll try calling every hour on the hour until she gets tired of listening to my voicemails. The employment documents is important because what ever income numbers they put in the employment letter has to be the same in the homestudy. The social worker can't complete the homestudy until I get her the numbers. We can't finish our immigration paperwork(which can take a loooooong time to process) until we send them a copy of our COMPLETED homestudy. Frustrating. And confusing. And somewhat stressful(actually it is very stressful, but I'm trying to remain calm since being stressed fixes nothing.)

I'm going to run for tonight. I've got so much more that I am wanting to blog about, but our computer has been on the fritz so I've barely been able to get online the past week or so. Hopefully tomorrow I will be blogging good news tomorrow about how our paperwork was delivered to our facilitator and I got a correct employment letter from Josh's employer. A girl can dream, right?

Also, don't forget to pray about the legislative bill that will close all adoptions between Daniel's country and the United States. It is still scheduled to be voted on sometime between Dec 14-17. There is hope even when it seems hopeless. The battle belongs to the Lord.

"The king's heart is in the hand of the Lord;

he directs it like a watercourse wherever he pleases."

Proverbs 21:1