On Your 6 Month Birthday

My darling Treyson,

I miss you every second of every day. You have changed my life forever. You have impacted me in the deepest way, my sweet one, and in the process you taught me more about life than any other person. You drew me to the Lord. You strengthened my faith and taught me to trust and depend on the Lord in a way that I had not before. With that, you bought a peace to my life that I had never known. I spent the months before your birh resting in the peace of God. And the months after your birth resting in His comfort. You transformed my prayer life from a struggle and a chore, to a constant communion with the Father. You brought your daddy and I closer together and even further cemented our bond, and you gave me a deeper love and appreciation for your brother and sister.

While you were in my tummy I listened to your heart beat every night before bed. It became the rhythm of my life. Steady. Always beating. And you were quite the little night owl, always wiggling and kicking in the evenings and during the night. Often times I would wake up during the night to find you thumping on my belly, making sure that I knew that you were still there and that you were not giving up.

I always imagined that you had a quiet and somewhat shy personality. You hardly moved when things were noisy and I was busily going about my day. But when things got quiet and I got still you would start dancing. Kicking, pushing, wiggling. All the while, my hand was on you. Constantly letting you know that you were safe with me. I cherish our time together and I would have carried you in me forever if I could have.

In spite of not wanting to let you go, the day you were born will always be one of the best days of my life. Your birth was physically difficult and traumatic. As the doctor handed you to me she said that she wasn't sure if you had been able to survive what you had been through. But when they checked, there was your heart...still beating. That was when I had the chance to get a good look at how beautiful you were. You looked so much like Luke. You little nose was a carbon copy of your big brother's. Your fingers also reminded me of Luke. They were so long. I think you would have been tall.... I guess you get that from your Daddy. You also had a head full of wavy brown hair. When I washed your hair it was hard to get it all clean because it was so thick. Wavy brown hair was not at all what I expected, but it was beautiful. It fit you just right. Your tiny body was so perfect to me. Your eyes were so blue. I know that most newborns have blue eyes, but your eyes were the bluest I have seen. One of my favorite moments with you was when you cracked your little eye open and looked at me. You looked right in to my eyes. You knew that I was your mother, the one who had been loving you all these months.

When it came time to let you go...
God's grace and peace were big enough to comfort the pain.

Oh, my little fighter, thank you for not giving up. You were so very strong. Even with all the adversity you faced in the womb and during your birth you never gave up. You knew how much we all wanted to see you and love you for a while before we had to let you go. Thank you for enduring it all and allowing us to have you for one perfect hour here on earth, before going home to be with Jesus.

Being here with out you has been more crushingly painful than I could have imagined. We all miss you extremely. Your daddy and I talk of you daily, and Luke and Raylen mention you nearly as frequently. The times when we don't speak of you out loud, it is just because sometimes we miss you too much to say out loud how we feel in our heart. Even in the pain, God is still good. He continues to show me ways in which He is using your life. The far reaching good that has come from your life has been overwhelming. I still miss you terribly and long for the "what if" every day. But in spite of the pain of not having you here with me, I would never change the fact that you were here, even if just for a short while. The source of my greatest sorrow has also been the source of my greatest joy. I love you with everything in me and will continue to for the rest of my life. I am so very glad that I was chosen to be your mother.

With all the love in my heart,
Mommy