Papa Roach

You heard me right. I did say Papa Roach. For those of you who don't know who he/that/it is, He is a singer...or a band. I'm not really sure if Papa Roach is the name of the band, or the name that the lead singer chooses to go by, and honestly I don't really care. It is not my place to say whether or not a person is a Christian, but he has done nothing that shows me that he is, and from the little bit I have seen and heard from him, he has done his fair share to show me otherwise. With that being said, the Lord has still used one of his songs to minister to me. The name of the song is "Lifeline" and I first heard it on the radio a couple of months ago. It had a catchy tune,(for those of you who like rock music) so I was driving kind of humming and bobbing my head to the music. Then I started to listen to the lyrics and that is what truly drew me in. I am a lover of music. I grew up in a household that loved music of all types, and from my earliest memories I always recall music being a part of my life. But, more than being a lover of music, I am a lover of words. Poetry, prose, fiction, non-fiction, I love it all. I could honestly tell my life story in famous(and not-so-famous) quotes, and still feel as though I have done it justice. You could tell me that I am going to die a horrible death tomorrow, but if you say it to me in Shakespearian and tweek it with just the right words, I will just sit back, grin, and sigh contentedly. I guess, at times, I can get so caught up in the delivery that I lose sight of the actual message.

But now I've gone off and chased a rabbit. Back to Daddy Gross Bug, er, uh, whatever his name is. Anyway, while it was the tune that originally attracted me to the song, it was the lyrics that ministered to me. I only caught about the second half of the song, so when I got home I went straight to the computer and looked it up. Thankfully the DJ said who the artist was, or else it would have made my search somewhat more difficult. I searched the song and the video came right up. Gotta love that youtube! Once I watched the video I was shocked that it ministered to me also! I really only watched it because I wanted a chance to listen to the song again.

The past year and a half has been a very difficult one. Losing Treyson completely ripped my heart out. We have also have a parade of other difficulties that seem never ending at times. While life has been stressful, difficult, and full of heartache the past year and a half, I haven't felt the despare that I have felt when I was in a different place in my life. The recent heartache in my life hit when I was firm in my faith and walking closely with the Lord. That does not diminish the pain, but did give me a firm foundation to fall on, even if I felt like I was falling face first every single day, over and over again.

While I have been a Christian since a young age, I did chose to wander from the Lord about a decade ago. Ok, I didn't actually wander from the Lord, I pretty much ran as fast as I could. I guess stepping away from my close walk with the Lord may have started as a wander, a meander of sorts. Once I felt the sting of blatantly being out of the Lord's will for my life, I took off to running away full force. I spent the next several years of my life in that state. I won't go in to the details of what my life was like then at this time, I can sum it up in one word.

Desperate.

Webster defines "desperate" like this(when I said I was a lover of words, well, definitions are words, so I really like definitions too.): desperate: Rash, violent, reckless, and without care, as from despair; intense; overpowering.

I can't speak for anyone else's experience as to what it feels like to be a Christian that has purposely stepped out of His will, but as for me that is exactly how I felt. I was a child of God that had run to far away, that when my life came crashing down around me, I felt as though I had no one to turn to. I knew that the Lord was there waiting for me. But I felt too dirty and undeserving to turn back to Him. That feeling is utter despair.

Of course in time, I did wise up and take steps to mend my broken relationship with the Lord, the memory of that pain has never faded. I am actually glad of this fact, because it is humbling to remember where the Lord has brought me from.

Ok, now I feel like I've used way to many words, to explain how and why a song ministered to me. If you are still hanging in there with me, you are quite a trooper. I've posted the lyrics, just because they remind me where I've come from. I've also posted the link to the video. If you completely hate rock music, then I don't even suggest giving it a try. But if you have even a little bit of an open mind, then maybe the Creepy Bug Dude can minister to you too. Never underestimate how the Lord and choose to speak to you. If I were a betting gal, which I'm not, I'd bet that Papa Bug never intended this song to have any true spiritual value. But the Lord chose otherwise. At least in my life any way.

Here are the lyrics:
(quick side note. I sometimes find the meaning of lyrics difficult to grasp without hearing the music also. I guess that's another hint that maybe you should watch the video.)

When I was a boy I didn't care 'bout a thing

It was me and this world and a broken dream

I was blaming myself for all that was going wrong

I was way out there on the wrong side of town

And the ones that I loved I started pushing 'em out

Then I realized that it was all my fault

I've been looking for a lifeline

For what seems like a lifetime

I'm drowning in the pain, breaking down again

Looking for a lifeline

So I put out my hand and I asked for some help

We tore down the walls I built around myself

I was struck by the light and I fell to the ground

I've been looking for a lifeline

For what seems like a lifetime

I'm drowning in the pain, breaking down again

Looking for a lifeline

Is there anybody out there?

Can you pull me from this ocean of despair?

I'm drowning in the pain, breaking down again

Looking for a lifeline

You know a heart of gold won't take you all the way

And in a world so cold it's hard to keep the faith

I'm never gonna fade away, yeah

I've been looking for a lifeline

For what seems like a lifetime

I'm drowning in the pain, breaking down again

Looking for a lifeline

Is there anybody out there?

Can you pull me from this ocean of despair?

I'm drowning in the pain, breaking down again

Looking for a lifeline

If you would like to watch the video, click here.
Oh, and if you do watch it keep watching when you think it's over as to not miss the F.D.R. quote. You know I love me some quotes!

Thanks,
Jessica

a quick p.s. The scene on the building where the desperate man is being pursued by another man and the pursuer yells out, "I'm never gonna fade away!", perfectly portrays the scene in my heart when I chose to quit running away from the Lord, and turn back and run towards Him. Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good! His love endures forever!

The Longer Version of the Original Annoucement

I know I made yesterday's announcment short and sweet, but I had so many other thoughts whirling through my head that I thought best to just keep it short and to the point. We are very excited about little baby number four! It almost seems surreal just to say that...baby number FOUR. Wow! What a blessing!

We have actually known for quite awhile that I was pregnant, but chose to keep it under wraps this time around. I guess after having Treyson I felt more like keeping it to myself for a little while. I don't in any way want to give the impression that since we have been more private this time,(not even telling the majority of our family until now), that we aren't excited and happy. We are VERY excited. The emotions are just a little different this time around. I kept telling myself,(and Josh), that I wasn't worried about complications, but I guess I needed a little time to convince myself.

This pregnancy is going great though. For the first month and a half or so I was constantly sick and tired. In spite of the discomfort, I actually found this encouraging. I felt like it was God's way of reassuring me that I was very much pregnant. And boy, I have felt very much pregnant. More so than with any of my previous pregnancies. The nausea and fatigue have improved the past couple of weeks, but I'm still struggling with the issue of no food on earth sounding appealing the majority of the time, but then if I don't eat I get nauseated. A bit of an impass, eh? But what a glorious impass to be at! I am so dreadfully excited about this new baby that all the nausea, weird smells, fatigue, and overactive emotions in the world couldn't damper my spirits in the slightest.

Back to how I know this pregnancy is going so great though. Apart from the hormone induced problems, and, most importantly, an incredible peace from God, I have other proof that things are excellent. I've had two ultrasounds. One at 7 weeks, where I saw a bean with the most beautiful heartbeat in the whole entire world!! And one at 9 weeks, where Josh and I got to see a very squirmy, kicking, arm stretching little baby!! Both our jaws dropped in amazement at the sheer awesomeness of it. (Not sure if "awesomeness" is an actually word, but i'm going with it anyway.) I also had my first actual doctors appointment at 11 weeks and I'm measuring great and the heartbeat it strong and perfect. Things couldn't be going better! We just can't stop praising the Lord for His goodness and constant reassurance!

I will be going to see the specialist at some point in the next few weeks, so I will of course give you an update after that appointment, but as of right now things could be going more perfect with this baby's development. Thank you all so much for all your prayers. I can't tell you enough how much they mean to me. Honestly, what nicer thing can you do for a person other than lift them up in prayer? I can't think of one. And also, thank you all for being so genuinely excited and happy for us. It makes my heart smile to read your sweet words of congratulations. God is good, in spite of our circumstances in life; whether good or bad, happy or sad, how we want things to be or if things are the opposite of how we want them to be, God is still good. But we are full of praise that He has chosen to grant us such a wonderful blessing. Praise the Lord!

Our Big News

We're expecting!

It's almost midnight. I've been lying in bed for an hour now and should have been asleep a long time ago. Today was a great day, so I am surprised that tonight as I lay in bed my mind wandered to the "what if" area. That is a forbidden area that I try to not visit very frequently No good ever seems to come of it. It always ends the same; a box of tissues and me asking the same questions that God has already been so gracious to answer for me, even though He wasn't required to. As soon as I see myself heading in that direction I always try to change the course. But tonight my mind wandered there slowly, decieving my heart in the process, and before I knew it I was lying there missing Treyson more than I have in months. I am at peace with all aspects of Treyson's story, and the majority of the time I see his life as a special and unique gift from God, and inspite of the outcome, he was a blessing that I was so unworthy to have received.

But tonight I feel greedy. I know, that given the opportunity, Treyson wouldn't change the outcome of his life. He is perfect and living in perfection with Jesus at this very moment. He wouldn't come back here, even if he could. But tonight I want to change things. I want him back. I want to hold him. I want him here. Now.

He would be 13 months old right now if he were still alive. Just starting to walk and talk and discover the world in a whole new way. I feel cheated that I'm not getting to experience this. I'm not getting to watch him learn and grow. I'm not getting to love him here on earth like I feel like I should. I know that God doesn't make mistakes, and I in no way do I think that He is to blame. I just really really miss my baby. I would give anything to be able to hold him again, even for just a minute, and tonight it is breaking my heart that I can't.

...and a picture to go with it

I'm posting this as a kind of add-on post to go with the previous one. It's a picture of my mom (with Luke and Ray), for those of you who don't know her. Now when I say "my mom", you know who I'm talking about.

Oh, and yes, the kids did both dress as pirates for Halloween 2007. Cute, right? This may have been my one and only year to have them dress coordinating. I had to take advantage of it before Ray could voice her opinions! haha!

Good News!

For those of you who don't know, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in May of 2007. After surgery and natural treatment, she was deemed cancer free about a year ago. This past month she under went genetic testing to find out if her cancer was genetic. She received the results of her tests yesterday and her cancer was found to not have a genetic link! That is great news for my sister and I, and our daughters! While my sister and I will have to start having mamograms at an earlier age than most, just because of the fact that my mom had breast cancer before the age of 50, we won't have to start super-early(like, this year, for me), or have them as often as we would have had to if her cancer had been genetic. For those of you who know both my mom and I, I thought that you might be interested in this bit of information.

Vaca in Pictures(and a few words)

This past week(the week leading up to 4th of July) we went on vacation to Galveston for the week. We had an excellent time! I'm really too busy and tired to blog about the whole thing, so I'm going to just post some of our pictures from the week so you can see what we did.

Day 1:My sister's house

This consisted of us driving to Houston and spending the night with my sister and her family. On the way we stopped at San Jacinto Mall. The kids and Josh rode the carousel and played around a bit.

That night we went to church at my sister's church, Houston's First Baptist Church. I LOVE her church(it also happens to be Beth Moore's church!!)

Day 2

Houston Zoo

Ray and my nephew, Jacob looking at the fish.

The aquarium part is Raylen's favorite

My nephews, (Nathan and Jacob) with Luke and Ray

(yes Ray is pickin her nose).

We kids had a great time at the zoo, it was just hot. Like REAAALLY hot. That afternoon when we left the zoo we drove to our resort in Galveston.


Day 3 :BEACH!!

Our resort was right ON the beach. It was down at the south end of Galveston after the seawall ends. Very nice and secluded. All we had to do was walk right down to the beach from our room.

Here's a pic of the kiddos in the elevator, heading down to the beach.

Ray and Daddy building a sand castle.

We caught 68 hermit crabs that day. I just had to take a picture because I thought I would never catch that many again.
That's what 68 hermit crabs of various sizes looks like.

After an awesome day at the beach we went to Rainforest Cafe that evening.

Luke just loves the Rainforest ride!

This was Ray's first time to ride the ride(besides in utero).

She wasn't sure what to think, but she never cried.

This picture is of her staring at the giant anoconda above us.

Day 4: Shilitterbaun

This is Luke doing the boogie boarding ride. He did great! I was so proud!

Day 5: Beach and pool

Ray with a crab

Me and Ray

You know how I said I took a picture of all those crabs because I thought I'd never find that many again? Well, we found 150 this day. Yup. ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY hermit crabs.

Here's the tiniest one.

And here is one of the bigger ones. Cute little things, eh?

The kids and Josh in the pool

Luke with a giant cookie from McAllistar's

That evening we played putt-putt at the local putt-putt place.

This is Ray hugging the fake chicken on the chicken coop hole.

Eating popsicles on the way down to the pool and to walk on the beach at night

Our resort at night(view from the beach)

Luke

Ray and Daddy

This kiddos on the last day when we were about to head home

We had a great time and would most definately go back. We got and EXCELLENT deal on our resort($80 a night, instead of the usual $182 dollars a night. The resort made a mistake online, but chose to honor the price we booked it at.). We were so blessed!

I'm going to try to post again soon updating you all on what has been going on around here, if I could just get a spare minute!